Ace's Survival Guide to Fatherhood
by supersushicupcake
Summary: What if the date patrol never stopped the "illegal" kiss between knight and foreigner? And what if that kiss led to something else? That once taken can't be sent back? Plus on top of that Alex has started hating cake? WTH is going on? AceXAlex a What-if fanfic "Ace..I'm pregnant." "Haha! That's great! Whose the dad?" "You! YOU IDIOT!" "Who's idiot?" "Argh! DIEEE!"
1. Expect the Unexpected

**Disclaimer time! I DO NOT OWN Heart no Kuni no Alice! Quinrose does. I do however own Alexandria (Alex). Anyways this is a What-if mini-story between AlexXAce that is based off of Chapter 28 of my story **_**Struggle!**_** So to the people who have never read the story here's a brief summary: **

**Alexandria Liddell is Alice's daughter and due to certain events (such as kidnappings) Alice forces Alex to cross-dress as a man, thus creating Alexander Liddell, Alice's precious baby boy. And like all wonderland stories, Alexander falls into this world of clocks and violence pretending to be a boy the whole time. But as time goes on role holders find out their foreigner is a female (OMG) throwing everyone in for a loop about their feelings towards the foreigner and of course how Alex has to deal with this new founded womanhood. Anyways Chapter 28 (An Adventure with a Cannibal Knight) is major fluff between the Knave of Hearts and the Foreigner who go on an "adventure" in order to cheer herself up, but ends up as food fight with a very hungry knight who thinks Alex looks VERY appetizing. But of course the Date Patrol (A Jealous Joker) pops up and ends their fun before anything could happen …and this is the story of what would happen if Joker DID NOT stop Ace from kissing his "wifey". **

**Please enjoy…**

* * *

"…."

"Sigh~"

"…"

"Siiiiiiiggghhhh~"

"…."

"SI-GH~"

"…"

"Snor—lax!"

**Clink!**

"Okay, Alex, What do you want?"

An irritated mortician asked as he dropped his wrench and glared at the now cheerful foreigner who eagerly popped up from her chair and rested her elbows on the navyette's desk. "About time Julius! I thought I would never get your attention for sure!" Alex piped with her large teal eyes shining brightly as Julius began to rub his temples, trying very hard to restrain himself from lashing out at her like he normally would. She was a girl after all and he couldn't hit her with his wrench like he use too.

Sad, but true.

"Just tell me what you want…I have work to do, you know."

"I know! But…I was just wondering if—"

**SLAM!**

"SAVE ME! GRAY IS TRYING TO KILL ME!"

A flash of silver whizzed by, sending clocks flying into the air and a certain foreigner falling back onto her seat. "Wahh! What the hell! Nightmare!?" Alex cried as she straightened herself out and watched as the Lord of Dreams hid himself underneath a very pissed off looking Julius's desk. You would think they would have already grown accustomed to the Caterpillar of Wonderland's antics but then again I guess you can never really get use to almost being blown away by a human tornado.

"Shh! He'll hear you!" Nightmare frantically hushed the other two, silently praying that his subordinate wouldn't find him.

"If you just did your paperwork like you're supposed to, Gray wouldn't have to hunt you down." Julius frowned as he busied himself with picking up the scattered clocks, while cursing underneath his breath—it seemed like the world didn't want him to finish his work today.

"Yeah, Nightmare! Man up! Besides Big Brother Gray isn't scary." Alex added on as Nightmare peeked out from his hiding spot, his face now a dreadful pale color (well, paler than usual) and his grey eyes narrowed in seriousness.

"Shh…He's coming…I can sense him.." Nightmare prophesied as he slunk back behind the desk and the strangest thing happened—

Thump.

_Thump._

The coffee mug on Julius's desk, slightly shivered as all eyes were now focused on the small ringlets that formed on the once smooth surface of the liquid.

_Thump. _

_THUMP. _

_**THUMP!**_

**Creeeeaaakkkk~**

"Lord Nightmar—"

"WAAAHHHH!"

Alex screamed as she jumped into an unsuspecting Julius's arms, and since it was unexpected, the two toppled onto the floor as Gray just stared at them, perplexed by what just happened. He was after all just looking for Master Nightmare, who was skipping out on work—again. Seriously, Gray was thinking about just grabbing the lazy incubus and forcefully tying him to a chair, it would make his job a lot easier and plus maybe he'll finally get treated by a doct—

"COUGH! COUGH! NOOO~~ I'LL NEVER SEE A DOCTOR! HACK!"

Nightmare pitifully sputtered as Gray let out a tired sigh and picked up the dream demon by his shirt collar.

"Master Nightmare, please…can you stop acting so childish for a moment and actually run the tower like you're supposed to?"

"I am running!"

"Away from me doesn't count, and you do need to see a doctor."

"NOOOOO~~~ COUGH! COUGH!" Nightmare wept while hacking up blood all over the floor.

Needless to say, the tower's bill for Clorox was pretty high.

"Gray has a point Nightmare. So face your fear like a man and go to a hospital!" Alex fist pumped the air still sitting on top of a flat Julius, who was seriously considering a new profession. The Dealer was truly unfair when she gave him the role of the Guardian of Time, with all these other childish role holders and the foreigner, he felt more like a baby sitter.

"Not you too Alex! I-I-I thought you would understand!" Nightmare whined as he clutched his chest in pain as if the girl's words had injured his manly pride—well sickly guy pride…actually he most likely didn't have any pride at all so just forget it.

"Bros tell bros the truth, so I'm just helping you out."

Alex casually shrugged as all the men deadpanned at that. It seemed that womanhood hadn't hit the **EX**-cross-dressing outsider yet.

"Uh…Alex…you are a girl remem—"

**Knock, knock~**

"Masters and Mistress, I brought you snacks and drinks." A faceless maid politely entered, cutting off Gray's sentence and causing Alex to jump off of a squashed Julius and rush to the snack-welding worker.

"Uwah! Snack time! What did ya bring, Grace?"

Alex's eyes shone like diamonds as she anxiously waited for the faceless, who was surprised the foreigner knew her name (of course Alex would remember her name, especially since this maid was in charge of making sweets) before smiling softly and pulled the silver cover off of the platter.

"Red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting, three hot chocolates and fresh coffee for—"

**Gurgle~**

"Hn…" Alex suddenly turned a sickly green as she quickly covered her mouth then stomach.

"Uh...is something wrong Mistress? "

The rather clean maid asked worriedly as the role-holders looked at their quite ill-looking foreigner with concern.

"Yeah Alex…you don't look too goo—"

"BLARGH!"

Alex hurled on the once clean worker, who just stood there in shock/disgust as the residents of Clock Tower couldn't believe it. "D-D-Did…she just throw up on the maid…" A vein on Julius's forehead twitched as an awkward silence filled the room. "I believe she did…" Gray added on worriedly, as Nightmare seeing an opportunity, ran out of the room but not before he slipped on some of the puke and fell flat on his back.

"GAH! I HAVE FALLEN AND CAN'T GET UP!"

"Urgh….I don't feel…good…." Alex held her slightly moist forehead as she began to gag.

Uh-oh. Guess who's in the splash zone.

"A-A-Alex…D-D-Don't you dare—"

"BLARGH!"

**~.X.~**

"So tell me doctor….will...I ever eat cake again?"

"Well, seeing what happened…I'm sorry Miss Alex…but you won't be able to eat cake...at least not in your condition."

The faceless doctor informed a poker-face Alex as a heavy silence filled the rather small medical room. That is before she dropped to her knees in despair.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY!? WHY AM I SUCH AN UNLUCKY KID!? WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED!? I-I-I WAS GOOD! TRULY! I WAS!"

Alex continued to rant as Gray, Julius and (a recently bathed) Nightmare sweatdropped at the scene.

"You would have think she would have taken the news about being pregnant more like this." Gray sheepishly said as he watched both his Lord and foreigner embrace each other and ramble on how doctors and hospitals were evil.

"Doctors are evil! The bearers of bad news! WAH! They're supposed to make you feel better not make things worse! What is wrong with Wonderland's Health system!?"

"Speak the truth sister!"

Nightmare cheered her on as the doctor feeling the dark aura being leaked towards him from the two anti-hospital protesters cautiously walked out of the already awkward room. Which by the way, if some of you are still wondering what the hell is going on. It's simple really, turns out Alex is pregnant, which she took the news pretty well just not the part about not being able to eat cake. Since, ironically, it seemed that her new sensitive body was disgusted by the sweets, causing her to hurl every time she was near them. So you could pretty much feel the pain of the hardcore sweets-lover, when she was told she may never be able to eat cake again—

Well, at least for nine months.

"Then again this is Alex we're talking about." Julius answered Gray's question as the ex-assassin nodded in agreement.

Though the true question was…who was the child's father?

Well, Alex who did it?

"I'm going to kill him…..fufufufufu…I'll make sure his death is slow and painful.~" Alex creepily smiled as an exceedingly dark aura leaked off of her body and began to fill the white room with its dark tentacles.

"Uh….Ale—"

"THAT RED-EYED B****** IS GOING TO DIE BY MY HANDS!"

Alex cried as hell fire erupted from behind her and she raised a fist towards the heavens. May the Dealer have mercy on the poor roleholder who had committed this crime. Though, now at least, the tower residents knew that the unlucky soon-to-be father had red eyes. But who could it be?

"Joker?"

Julius asked out loud while Gray rubbed his chin thoughtfully. That was a possibility since the Warden had confessed before saying he was gay, but of course later on took it back after Alex cleared up that he may have spent too much time in Prison which may have caused him to say that. But now that Alex was a girl (well, she always had been) certainly his feelings would have sprung back, right?

"JUST WAIT UNTIL I GO TO HEART CASTLE! I'LL BEHEAD HIM MYSELF!"

"Oh! Is it Peter then?"

Gray pounded his fist into his outstretched palm as Nightmare decided to join their little group. Of course he already knew who the father was (he could read minds after all, duh) but he still found the discussion pretty amusing. Plus he could rub the knowledge of knowing who the father was in their faces, which he was planning to do, right…. about….. now.

"Actually it's—"

"ACE! YOU B******! I'M GOING TO WIPE YOU OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!"

Yup. The first rule to Ace's Survival Guide to Fatherhood:

**Expect the Unexpected. **

And where was the new father during this hectic time? Let's see.

"ACHOO! Heh, is somebody talking about me?"

Ace wiped his face with his free hand since the other was busy carrying clocks he had gathered for Julius. Poor guy had no idea of the doom that awaited him at the ivory tower, where his foreigner had just arrived seething at the loss of her ability to eat cake. Yeah, he was marked for death.

Dead man walking.

"Oh, hey, what is Julius, Nightmare and the Lizard doing outside of the tower.. Oh! And there's wifey too!" The knave shielded his eyes from the ever gleaming sun as his red orbs focused on the group that appeared to be waiting for Gray to open the door.

"HEY! WIFEY! JULIUS! OVER HERE!~~" The idiot foolishly waved, causing all eyes to turn towards him.

And the drama starts here.

"ACE! YOU IDIOT DIEEEEEE!"

"W-W-Wait! Alex! Your condition!"

" DON'T TOUCH ME, GRAY! I'M ESCORTING HIS SOUL TO HELL!"

"Hahahaha~ Alex your saying funny things again."

"DIE YOU IMPREGNATOR!"

**~.X.~**

* * *

**Dedicated to all the AlexXAce shippers, for you are all the inspiration for this. So this is the first chapter and I hoped everyone enjoyed it and..um stay along for the ride because it only gets crazier from here. So like review, follow and all that junk so I can see who's interested. Though next chapters will be most likely in Ace's P.O.V. or Alex's...whatever i'm in the mood to write as.. Yeah.. I think..i'll just disappear now. Have a wonderful day! :D Peace out homies! **


	2. If You Love Her, Marry Her

**Alex's P.O.V. **

"And that is why, your majesty, you should quickly decapitate this idiot right away."

I pointed to the smug imbecile who stood next to me, his clothes slightly disheveled and his cheek swollen from where I had punched him. Finding out I was pregnant was pretty shocking and okay, I guess, stuff happens, right? But not being able to eat cake ever again—THAT WAS UNFORGIVABLE!

Surely Vivaldi would understand, right?

"So my Knave…has sown his seed inside of you?"

EW! Why did she have to say it like that!? Ew! Ew! No! Just no! Okay, I'm scarred for life now.

"D-D-Do…I have to answer that?"

I flinched as Ace burst out laughing and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. WHAT THE HELL!? Don't touch me scum! I roughly pulled away as Ace's goofy smile never faltered, in fact it never did even when I told him the "shocking" news. And now that I thought about it…it almost seemed like the whole thing was…planned.

….

…..

"YOU PLANNED THIS ALL! DIDN'T YOU, YOU SICK B******!?"

"Hahahaha~ It seems like I've been found out."

Ace grinned as he causally rubbed the back of his head. Yup, that's it…I'm killing him.

"DIE YOU—"

"Alex! Please put that battle axe down!"

Vivaldi commanded as she rose from her throne and waltzed her way towards me. "But V-V-Vivaldi!" I stuttered as I stopped mid-way from chopping Ace's head off (where I got the axe from? Don't ask). "Our dear Alex, it must be so stressful, being in your condition." Vivaldi softly said as she pulled me into her embrace and I could already feel tears welting up in the corners of my eyes. "Y-Y-Yeah it really is! I'm never going to eat cake again! H-H-How am I supposed to survive now!?" I sobbed into the Red Queen's shoulder as she began to pet the top of my head.

"There, there Alex. Though we would have preferred you to get pregnant by someone rather than this idiot, we will take what we are given. Now, let's prepare the nursery and buy new clothes for you okay?~ Oh, and since you'll be living here now—"

Eh? What is she talking about? I'm not moving.

"Uh…Vivaldi…I already live at the tower…and I'm pretty comfortable there." I broke out of her tight hug and stared at her now scowling face. Uh…She isn't mad is she? It is the truth, I like Clock tower, it's pretty much peaceful and I don't have to worry about getting shot or anything. Plus all my stuff is there!

"But Alex darling! In your condition!"

Ugh, there's that word again. Can't they just say something else? Like I don't know…cupcake? Hnnn…I want a cupcake so BAAAAAAADDDD.~ But this stupid body won't let me! I should have never gone on that adventure with Ace! I shouldn't have! Even if there were strawberries! Ah~ Strawberries…their so yummy to—

"Then it is settled!"

Huh? What's settled? Damn, I have to stop zoning out so much.

"What is?"

"Our knight has agreed to marry you—"

"E-E-Excuse me!?" I nearly choked on an invisible liquid as Vivaldi's ruby red lips twitched into a bright smile.

"Yes! You two are to wed right away! So then you'll have to move into the castle as soon as possible. Yes, it's a perfect plan!" The Queen of hearts giddily clapped her hands together as flowers of moe and sparkles showered down on her. What the hel—" Oh! And Alex, you must make us the child's Godmother! We also demand that it be a girl so we can spoil her rotten."

"But Vivaldi—"

"We must get started on the plans right away!"

"Hahaha~ So Alex, shall we have a beach side wedding?" Ace grinned as he slid his arm around my waist.

Okay…I'm lacking sweets and now slightly ticked off. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!

"STOP IT! Vivaldi! I-I don't want to marry Ace!"

My voice echoed off the rather large walls filling the whole room with an awkward silence, and soon red and violet orbs were focused on me. Well this is… unsettling. I guess I was a little too loud this time.

"Why not? Do you not like our knight?"

"Well…I…."

I trailed off, unable to look at Ace's eternally smiling face, or Vivaldi's confused one. Did I really like Ace? I mean I had to like him if I—well I do like him, he's one of my best friends. And he's always there to cheer me up and he makes me all nervous and my heart flutters crazily when he's around. M-M-Maybe, I've always liked him…maybe even l-l-love him. But then why don't I want to marry him?

"_Because what if he doesn't feel the same way? What if, he's only being forced to do this because I'm carrying his baby. Or worse what if we do get married and he leaves…if he leaves I don't think I could—" _

**Pat, Pat~**

"Ah~ My soon to be wife, worries too much. Someone as pretty as she is shouldn't worry, it'll cause wrinkles and you won't be pretty anymore." Ace continued to pat my head steadily as he zoomed in close to my face, our noses only inches apart. "If you're scared…I won't hold it against you. Instead you can hold me.~" Ace's eyes softened as he held me in his arm, causing a warm blush to spread across my face.

"Ep! A-A-Ace…l-l-let go of me, ya pervert!"

"Only if you marry me.~~"

"Ace!"

"Is that an, I do, I hear?"

"A-Ace you idiot! Release me or I'll flip you over!"

"Hahaha~ Not until you agree!"

"F-F-Fine! I'll marry you!"

"Awww…I'm not convinced. In fact I couldn't even hear you.~"

"Damn you Ace…"

"What was that?~"

"….I SAID I'LL MARRY YOU!"

**~.X.~**

**Ace's P.O.V.**

"Hahaha~ That wedding was pretty fast."

"More like suspicious.."

My wife sulked as she stared at the ring that glistened on her finger. The whole thing was rather quick, since her Majesty wanted Alex to move in right away, though jokes on her because Alex is staying at the tower. I'm not sharing her with anyone, hahaha.~ Ah~ Who knew things were moving so fast? I didn't expect to be a father until at least the next time we "played".

Oh well.~

"What was so suspicious? I think everything was fun." I smiled as I hugged my new wife from behind. Wife, wife, wifey~ I won't ever get tired of the word! HA! In your face Mr. Joker! I won our little competition! Alex is all mine.~ And you can't do anything about it, and even if you tried…I'll kill ya! Hehehehe.~

"Seriously? The priest looked…I don't know suspicious? I don't even think he was a real priest! Who wears a tux-t-shirt to a wedding plus I'm pretty sure that book wasn't even a bible, I don't know if it was the sun or sand but I swear he was reading a manga." Alex continued to ramble as I rested my chin on her shoulder and nodded along with what she said. I thought it was cute, how she babbled on and on about complete nonsense.

"I even think Julius thought it was off." Alex added on, as I thought about my gloomy best man. He didn't like the beach wedding since it was bright and opened and not in some small dank place. But then again he may have been upset that I was getting married, hahaha~ He's such the jealous type.

"Who cares? As long as you're wearing that, it means your all mine.~"

Mine. Mine, mine, **MINE**. I smirked as I lifted up her hand and intertwined my fingers with hers, I always marveled how it fit in my own, so perfectly. Almost like it was made just for me. Heh, great now I'm sounding like a complete fool, like all those other love-sick freaks.

"Right."

Alex whispered as I felt her sink away from my grasp and huddle in a small ball in the corner of the room. "W-W-What will mother say? ARGH! SHE'S GUNNA KILL ME! I-I-I'm dead…yeah… I'm so totally dead when she finds out." I watched her sulk deeper into depression and even grabbed my sword that was lying in the corner of her bedroom and lifted it to her throat. Hahaha~ She cares too much what others think, especially Alice. And now that I think about it, I wonder what her mother would say if she found out? Heh, that would certainly be something to see.

"I should just die…"

Her lips pursed into a cute pout as she fell back and laid the metal blade on top of her chest. My wife is really one for the dramatics. Another adorable quality I love about her.~

"If you did that…then I wouldn't be able to listen to your heart beat. Don't be so stingy~ " I childishly whined as I walked over towards her , threw the sword aside (wouldn't want any accidents) and planted my head on her chest. Listening closely to the soft thumps that begin so slowly rise into quick beats.

"A-A-Ace—"

"Shhh! It's speaking to me…" I playfully hummed as I watched her cheeks turn a bright pink.

"Ace—"

"Hm…I see…Ah…I'll tell her right away."

I nodded along with the gentle beating of her heart before gazing up at her curious face. Heh, she didn't know, but those bright turquoise eyes of hers always gave her away, she was so easy to read, like my own personal book.

"What…did it say?" She embarrassingly blushed as she looked away, not wanting to make eye contact. Aww so cute.~

"It says you care too much about what other people think."

I causally said as I felt her body stiffened below my head. See, easy to read. It's kind of boring but in a way, it's soothing, almost like I don't have to worry about anything. There was a long period of silence, with neither of us speaking a word and I didn't mind since I could hear her heart steadily beating away, but I guess it was kind of awkward, in a way.

"…..Hey….Ace….why did you agree to marry me?" Alex asked as she slowly sat up, letting my head slide down onto her laps.

"Why did I marry you?"

"Yeah…."

Hmmm…Why did I marry Alex? Ah! I know why!

"So I can kiss you whenever I want!~"

I grinned as I swiftly jerked up and planted my lips on Alex's own, causing her to turn a burning red. Hahahaha~ She always makes the cutest reactions.

"A-A-Ace…"

"If you want we can continue this on the bed.~ Hahaha~"

**SMACK!**

"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO RUIN THE MOMENT?!"

Alex huffed as I held my now bruised head, I may have never shown it but my wifey has a fist of steel!~ Maybe I should sign up for one of those abuse spouse programs? Nah, I'm sure it's all out of love!~ (**AN**: *cough* in denial *cough*)

"See wifey, you should do that more often."

"Huh?" Alex stared at me with confusion as I sat up and pulled her onto my laps.

"Just care about what I have to say or think. Nobody else. Just me…" I purred into her ear as her short locks tickled my face, almost as if they were teasing me. And maybe they were.

"But what about the baby?"

"Hm? Don't worry, we'll figure that out later…together."

I wrapped my arms around her and rested my chin on the top of her head. Yeah, now that we're married, we have forever to figure out everything. Just her and I...together forever…yeah that doesn't sound too bad, since after all— I do love her.

**~.X.~**

Which is why the second rule to Ace's Survival Guide to Fatherhood is**: If you love her, marry her. Despite what anyone else thinks, you were made just for me, and now that I found you. I'm not going to lose you—not ever. **

**~.X.~**

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**so these chapters are going to be rather short...and i hope you guys don't mind...but anyways thanks for the reviews and follows! :D Also barely found out Ace was a yandere...did not know that surprisingly..so if he was acting a bit creepy in this chapter..you know why. thanks for reading peeps! **


	3. Learning about the Baby

"Tell me again why you brought me along?"

"Because! Gray was busy with Nightmare and Ace is somewhere in Wonderland. Probably the woods or something…oh look! This book has pictures!"

Alex smiled as she pulled a rather thin novel off of the shelf as Julius let out a tired sigh. The Outsider had dragged him from work to come buy pregnancy books, which wouldn't have been so bad except about every five minutes—

"Oh! Are you two expecting?"

A cheerful sales associate asked as Julius's face flushed a bright red and Alex curiously tilted her head to the side, not really fully grasping what the faceless had said. This was the fifth time this sort of thing happened, and you would have thought she would have figured it out by now. But like clockwork—

"Expecting what?"

"A baby of course."

"Hm? Oh yeah! How did you know!? We are expecting!"

Alex grinned as Julius facepalmed for the hundredth time and the two troublesome women began to chatter away excitedly. Yeah, where the hell was this woman's husband and the father of this baby? Julius didn't know but he did know, when he found Ace he was going to murder him. Repeatedly. "Alex…can we go already...I have work to do. Lots and lots of work." Julius irritating sighed, catching the attention of the two females.

"Geez Julius, calm down…it's the least you can do after what you've done to me." Alex huffed, though of course she was referring to all the times he had recklessly hit her with his wrench back when she was a "he". But like most situation things always intended to get, well, misinterpreted.

"You poor thing! It must be so hard with a husband who so busy!" The faceless continued to babble as Alex shrugged, still not putting two and two together.

"Well, I wouldn't say busy…truth is…my husband is a hobo."

Eh?

"H-H-Hobo!?" Julius choked as the surrounding mothers and some faceless stared at mortician with suspicious eyebrows.

But did Alex notice?

Nope. Not at all. And did the pregnant woman care to just stop there about her husband?

Of course not.

"Yep. He travels a lot and likes to hang out in the woods and stuff, plus he carries a tent with him at all times. It's strange and we're pretty much broke but I guess I should have known this from the beginning." Alex sighed as she pulled a couple of more books from the shelf and a slightly decent crowd began to hover around her, all with itching ears to hear about this Foreigner's husband. That and they all wanted something to gossip about later, since not much was known about Wonderland's mortician.

"Wait you married him, even though you knew he was poor!? Why would you do that?" A faceless from the small group asked as Alex let out a soft sigh before staring coolly into the distance and held the small stack of books in her arms close to her chest.

"Because I was forced too."

Cue unified gasp.

"How horrible!"

"Is that even part of the rules?"

"Who knew the clockmaker was like that."

Hushed whispers raced through the store like wildfire as now all the attention was on the unusual couple. The navyette, being the only one that seemed to hear all the lies, calmly turned around and began to tap his head against the bookshelf, wishing that he could just kill everyone in the room. But of course he couldn't do that, he didn't have enough bullets. _"Maybe I can sneak out?"_ Julius hopefully thought as his eyes quickly scanned for the nearest exit. But of course Wonderland hated him and the closest door was teeming with faceless.

"Ugh…there's too many people…we need another plague." Julius moped as he continued to sulk, now praying for a Dealer miracle.

"Yup...but don't worry about me. I love my husband!" Alex cheerfully added on as the mob of women awed and Julius perked up at that. But only for two reasons, first being that he now looked like a better fake husband and secondly, he was relieved to find that Alex was actually happy with Ace. Sure he was a bit jealous, but it calmed his nerves that the two people he cared about, felt the same way about each other.

"Sure, I thought he was weird and probably is the stupidest person I know…"

Ouch.

"And perverted. Really, really, REALLY perverted."

Alex continued as she thought about all the pervy things Ace would do and instantly felt a large drop of sweat roll down her forehead. He really was an idiot. But of course nobody knew she was talking about the Knight of Heart Castle, so once again Julius was in the awkward spotlight.

Poor guy.

"But…either way I'm stuck with him. And once you think about it…love is kind of like that. Heh, it's blind to the other's faults, but yet accepting of it at the same time. It's okay that he doesn't have any money, I had lots and it never made me any happier, but he makes me happy. So I know it'll all be okay!" Alex gave the faceless woman a thumbs up, causing multiple to actually swoon or burst out in tears. Even as a woman, Alex still had her charismatic charm.

"A-A-Are you sure about that?" The faceless worker sniffled as Alex paused before smiling brightly.

"Yup! One hundred and one percent!"

"But how are you going to buy the books, baby clothes, bottles, diapers…" A fellow pregnant woman spoke up as her list continued to grow, and with each passing item Alex's smile began to falter. Truth was, she had never thought that a baby would need so many things. Maybe a bottle, crib, and some diapers but as the list kept growing, reality struck the new mother.

"UWAH! I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT! GAH! HE NEEDS TO GET A JOB! I DON'T WANT TO BE POOR!"

Alex tugged at her hair as Julius deadpanned at the foreigner who was now doing some type of panic jig. She really did over-exaggerate too much.

"This isn't good! Julius! Help a bro out and p-p-please buy everything for me!" Alex pulled at the mortician's sleeve as the faceless watched in slight confusion. Maybe it was the bro that threw them off, or maybe the fact that she said he was a hobo but was now asking him for money.

Meh, the world will never know.

"Isn't that your husband's job?"

"Julius! I can't ask a hobo for money! It's not right!" Alex whined as the faceless grew even more confused and decided to all just go their separate ways.

"But you can ask me for money? Don't you have any pride?"

"I'M DESPERATE!" Alex shouted as she dropped her books to the floor and grabbed the now shocked role holder by his shirt collar. " If…you don't help me out….heh…I'm already cake deprived…who knows what I'll do next? It would be quite a shame if….all the coffee at the tower went missing." A mischievous smile crept onto Alex's lips as Julius let out a sharp gasp.

"You wouldn't." His cobalt eyes narrowed as Alex haughtily laughed before releasing him.

"Hm~ Who knows….I may do a little of this or a little of that.~"

Alex waved her finger around as her light colored eyes glistened playfully and Julius really, really, REALLY wished he hadn't come. Plus Ace was now on his list of people to kill. Who leaves their wife constantly—oh wait. Julius suddenly felt his shoulders slouch as he realized that he was the one who always sent Ace on missions to go collect clocks, thus making him the reason why Alex was alone and why he was in this mess. Yup, this was all his fault.

"Fine…I'll buy the books. But next time promise me that Ace will be the one coming on this trip, not me." The role holder rubbed his temples as Alex's smile grew and the mortician continued. "I'm sure he would enjoy coming and reading these books with yo—"

"Oh, I'm not reading these books with Ace." Alex cut him off, causing the guy to suddenly stiffen.

She wasn't going to read the books with Ace? Why not? Shouldn't they read them together? Expecting couples do that don't they?

"Alex—"

"Oh! Look! A pop-up book!" Alex chirped as she rushed off to the other side of the room, leaving Julius to wallow in his thoughts.

What the heck was going on?

**~.X.~**

"What to expect when expecting…So you found out your pregnant…Let's talk about babies….tummy stories and Yo you prego. What the flip?" Alex scratched the back of her head as she scanned through the weird titles trying to find decent books about having babies, but everything seemed so…

"Boring."

Alex gloomed as she waltzed away from the small shelf and wandered over to another section by herself. Julius had decided to go wait for her in some other boring section and as she began to poke around at an interesting bin of books, she couldn't help but feel that something or someone was watching her. And sure enough—

"Well isn't it our favorite foreigner." Blood's suave voice caused Alex to turn around with a slight vein twitching on her forehead. She didn't know what it was about the Mad Hatter but he always irked her the wrong way, especially since she believed he thought he was better than her.

"Blood what are you doing here?"

"Well, this is a book store…so what do you think I'm here for?"

The Hatter teased as Alex sighed and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Hm, probably picking up your spell book so you can devour the souls of innocent villagers?" Alex smirked, pretty pleased with her comeback, since she hardly ever thought of a good one. Blood on the other hand kept his cool composure and just gave a half-hearted laugh at the Outsider's attempt of an insult.

"Ah, you know me so well, I'm flattered. Though I'm equally surprised to find you here in a bookstore. Who would have known that you knew how to read?" Blood smugly grinned as Alex felt the vein on her forehead grow drastically.

"For your information, I can read just fine!"

"Is that so?"

"Yup! Perfectly so!"

"Then, dear woman, please entertain me with what literature you plan on reading?"

"Pregnancy books."

"Huh?"

Blood remained speechless as his green eyes widen a bit before returning back to normal. He had heard from his sister that her idiotic knight married the foreigner but she never told him about the part about Alex beginning with Ace's child! That was information he could both use and hold against the executioner of Wonderland.

"Yes, now if you excuse me…I got to figure out which books to make Julius buy."

"Oh. The mortician is paying for your books? Shouldn't your _husband _do that?" Blood asked, stressing the word husband as if it was something utterly disgusting.

"Geez, what is wrong with you people? Does everyone ask hobos for money in Wonderland?" Alex pouted, wondering if the reason Ace always slept in a tent somewhere was to get away from money hungry sharks.

"Hobos? Wait a minute…you think Ace is a hobo? Ha! You really are as stupid as you look, aren't you?"

"Hey! I'm not stupid! If anyone is stupid it would be the person who's wearing a ridiculous looking hat inside a bookstore. "

Alex glared at the Mad Hatter whose smile faltered and formed into a straight line, as electricity ran between them. Lest to say the tension was very thick. But of course the Mafioso quickly swallowed any sort of embarrassing emotion and decided to play with this naïve foreigner.

"Heh, so Ace hasn't told you what he does in those woods of his?"

"Well…he likes campin—"

"You do know he's a knight of heart castle, don't you?"

"Of course! Though…he's not really the knight type." Alex deadpanned a bit before mentally added, "_If anything he's more of a psycho knight." _

"Heh, so I see your smart enough to figure that out. But I should warn you…his role…is a bit bloody."

Blood's green eyes glistened with a dead seriousness, that caused shivers to run down Alex's spine. Bloody? What did he mean by bloody? Sure, Alex knew Ace had a bit of a psycho side to him and tried to kill her once or twice but he never actually did it. If anything it more like trying to get a point across, each time he raised his sword at her.

"Well that's nice to know."

Alex cut the guy off, not wanting to hear any more. She didn't want some other person telling her, she rather hear it from Ace himself.

"I see…" Blood frowned displeased with the lack of reaction he got from the foreigner. He expected some shock or something, most wives would be dying to know what kind of bloody job their husbands were in. But then again, Alex wasn't like most girls, so he decided to entertain himself with a different tactic. "So since I gave you a piece of information…how about you give me something in return?"

"Like what?" Alex asked as she lazily skimmed through a book with absolutely no pictures, just tons of boring, bland words.

"Oh, I don't know…how about you give me a child?"

Blood devilishly grinned as he tapped his fingers on the bejeweled cane in his grasp, waiting for the red blush that would devour her delicate face.

"Why? Are you and Elliot looking for one? Sorry Blood but...i'm keeping my baby. Though I'm sure there's some faceless orphan somewhere waiting to be adopted."

….

…...

…...

"E-E-Excuse me?"

Blood choked as Alex patted his back heavily completely oblivious to the horrified/disgusted look on his face.

"It must be so hard, but don't worry. I'm sure you and Elliot would make lovely parents." Alex smiled innocently, unaware of the blood lust that was going to happen in three…

"Uh…Blood what are you doing with that machine gun?"

Two.

"H-H-Hey.. don't point that at me!"

One.

**RATATATATATATATATA!**

"UWAH! WHAT THE HELL! I DON'T JUDGE! WHAT IS DONE BEHIND MANSION WALLS, STAYS BEHIND MANSION WALLS!"

**RATATATATATATA!**

"WAHHH! JULIUS!~~"

**~.X.~**

**Ace's P.O.V.**

"Honey! I'm home!~"

I called out as I kicked down the door, only to reveal a gloomy looking Julius and an endless pile of clocks. Hm, I guess he's backed up today. Oh well~, it's a good thing I brought him some more, so he can catch up! Hahahaha~ Such a good friend I am.

"You…it's about time you got back you idiot."

Julie-chan scowled as he pushed up his glasses. Geez, what's his problem? I did what he asked and punished all those rule breakers. Though to be honest it was so—

Boooorrriinnng~

I rather be here with my pretty wife, which speaking of her, "Oi. Jules, where's my beautiful wife at?" I grinned as a flash of steamy thoughts ran by my mind. Because of her condition they were all I had, sigh, poor me. I have to wait nine months and that's way too long for a pervert like me! No fair~

"Hey! Weren't you paying attention to anything I just said!?"

**BAM!**

"Hahaha~ You missed me! Though, nice try, Julie-chan.~"

"Your…unbearable…"

I watched as Julius slunk into his chair his hand raised to his forehead as if it was in pain. What's wrong with him? If I didn't know any better, it seemed like he may have been out all day. _"He usually gets this way when he's been in public places for too long." _I thought as I smiled at him and tossed my mask off to the side.

"Heeeeyyyyy~ Julius do you need me to cheer you up?" I purred seductively as I slowly crept towards him, ready to see his flustered reaction, but instead I was met with a wrench smacked into my face.

Ow~~~~

"Ya! Take another step towards me and I'll personally rip that smile off your face! Do you know what I had to endure today!? If being asked if I was her husband was bad enough, she managed to tick off that ****ing hatter! I not only had to pay for the books but for the damages als—"

"Hatter…What happened with the Hatter?"

My face fell, as I felt anger mixed with worry rush through my veins. What did that b****** do to MY Alex? I swear if one hair is out of place…I'll **BUTCHER** him.

"…Ask her for yourself…you are her husband after all." Julius said as his eyes wandered back to his work and his fingers began to fiddle with the slightly damaged clocks. Hm, he really must be angry with me, alright I get it. Besides I have other things to worry about. I swiftly turned around and started to walk towards the door, before stopping at the doorway.

"Thanks…Julius.."

"…..No problem….but you know…if you want…you could take…time off, sometimes."

I smiled as I heard Julius bashfully muttered his words, before giving him a small nod.

"Heh, that would be great. Julie-chan really cares for me, huh? Should I pay you back with my body?"

**SMACK!**

"GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"

"Hahahaha~ Love you too!"

**~.X.~**

Knock.

Knock, knock.

Knock, knock, knock.

**BAM!**

"UWAH! WHAT THE HELL!?"

Alex jumped up from her desk as I felt my clock tick a bit slower. "_She's safe."_ I widely smiled as I quickly pushed the towers of books she hid behind out of my way and wrapped my arms around her. "Why didn't you answer your door?" I asked as I nuzzled my face into her hair, inhaling the sweet scent of vanilla and strawberries mixed together.

"I guess…I didn't hear you." My wife yawned as she rested her cheek against my shoulder. She was sleeping? And without me? Hm, I'm going to have to change that.

"You took Julius out today? I'm jealous."

I pouted as Alex let out another yawn before rubbing her eyes. "Yeah, I went to.. buy.. bo-oks.." Her words drifted off as she weakly pointed towards the mountainous stacks of literature that were scattered around the room. She went to buy books without me? And read them too?

"Didn't I tell you…to only look at me?" I asked as I roughly tilted her chin up to face me, forcing her to wake up. "But yet you, leave me all behind and now read without me. My wifey is so cruel~" I smiled as I felt my eyes harden towards her. How could she be so cruel to her husband?

"Ow…It's not like you're here anyways...if anyone is cruel it's you. Besides I know you'll lose interest in these books after the first page." Alex looked away as a faint blush began to creep on her face. " T-T-That's why I was taking notes for you."

"Notes?"

"Y-Y-Yeah! Wanna see!?"

My wife cheerfully smiled as she pulled away from my grasp and led me towards the table where a small stack of paper was piled up neatly alongside some horribly drawn pictures.

"I'm almost done, plus I'm thinking of laminating them and mini-sizing it. So that way they won't get damaged and can be easily carried when you go off on your adventures."

Alex continued to beam as I flipped through some of my wife's work. The notes were easy to understand and clearly written. It must have taken her awhile to write this all down by herself, though the pictures she drew—

"Hahahaha~ My wife really sucks at drawing doesn't she?"

"Hey! My drawing skills are awesome!"

"What is this supposed to be? A giraffe?"

"N-N-No…it's obviously a baby!"

"Our baby is going to look like a giraffe?"

"You look like a giraffe!"

Alex pouted as she grabbed the pages away from me and began to silently ramble about how stupid I was. Okay maybe it wasn't so quietly. "Stupid Ace, it's a baby, a really cute baby.." She continued to mumble as I chuckled and began to sketch on an extra sheet of paper. Hm, a baby…that should be easy to draw. I continued to carefully draw the lines, letting the granite of the pencil do most of the work and once I had a decent outline I began to start to shade in and highlight the features of the face and body.

"W-W-Wow! Ace you can draw!?" Alex hovered over me, as I gave her a slight nod and continued with my drawing.

"Yeah, it's just a hobby I learned…sometimes I sketch the animals I see, whenever I'm bored." I shrugged as I finished the baby and watched as Alex greedily scooped up the paper and begin to admire it. "Gah! It's so cute! Do you think our baby will be as cute? Kawaii! Look at it's chubby cheeks!" Alex squealed as she actually tried to pinch the drawing's cheeks. Heh, women are so weird.

"So you like the drawing?"

"Yeah! I love it! Draw some more pictures!"

"What about—"

"Forget mine! They suck!"

Alex said as she rested her head on top of mine and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. "Ya know if you're so good at drawing maybe you can get a job as an artist. The baby is going to need a lot of stuff and you being a hobo won't help at all." Eh? Hobo? What is she talking about? "Heh, this is kind of like some drama or something, the rich guy falling for some poor chick. Ah! It's like a Disney movie!" Alex smiled as I felt a drop of sweat roll down my forehead. Does she really think I'm a hobo?

"Wifey, your being mean again.~~" I whined as Alex patted my head and looked a bit worried.

"Oh! Poor people are sensitive about their situation…sorry! I won't bring it up again!"

Alex apologized as I weakly smiled though still felt a bit hurt. But then again, she had told Julius awhile back that Alice ran a rather large trading company and she was next in line to own it. So my wife was raised as a spoiled brat, but she's my brat now.~

"You know…I'm not a hobo…I have money." I said as I looked at my wife's perplexed face.

"Huh? You do? Why didn't you tell me this before!?" Alex frowned as she raised a fist in the air as if she was going to hit me. "You never asked." I grinned as Alex puffed out her cheeks and lowered her fist in defeat. Hahaha! She can't resist my smil—

**SMACK!**

"You still should have told me! W-W-We're a family now...and if you don't want me looking at anyone else then…you can't keep everything to yourself. Otherwise if our baby ask about his father one day, I'll just say he's an idiotic hobo with a stupid grin." Alex frowned as I just stared at her in wonder. She wants to know everything about me? Heh, my wife must be…

"Your obsessed with me aren't you?~" I teased as I shot her a small wink, causing her to turn a bright red.

"N-N-No! Why would I!? That's stupid!"

"Hahaha~ It is true! You're crazy about me.~" I continued to taunt her as I swiftly pulled her onto my laps and began to nibble on her ear. "It's okay…because I'm crazy about you too." I huskily breathed into her ear as I felt her face grow even warmer.

"O-O-Oi! You pervert! What did I say about personal space!"

**SMACK!**

"Ah!" I held my stomach as a red-faced Alex got off my laps and stretched out her elbow. My wife is so strong and shy! I don't think I'll be able to resist her cuteness any longer.

"Geez…you really are a hardcore perv….gah! I hope my child isn't one too! That would be horrible! Then I'll have to deal with two—"

"Hey…about before…" I cut off my wife's ranting, causing her to stare at me.

"Yeah?"

"Let's….learn all about the baby first…our focus should be on him or her. Then…I'll tell you everything about me, forgive me if it's slow at first but… I promise…I won't leave you with any gaps." I finished seriously as silence filled the air for a moment before Alex hugged me.

"We have forever don't we? I'll wait for you, Ace."

"I love you.."

"I love you to—"

"So should we take this to the bed? Hahahaha~"

**BAM!**

"STOP RUINING THE MOMENT! YA PERVERT!"

**~.X.~**

Rule number three for Ace's Survival Guide: **Learn all you can about your baby, because in the end you may learn a bit more about yourself. After all they are a part of you. **

**P.S. Hide the very thick books, because knowledge can literally be used as a weapon. BEWARE OF THE HARD COVER BOOKS! It may save your life one day. **

**P.S.S. It's also not funny when you tell your wife you used one of the baby books as firewood. **

**P.S.S.S. It's also not very funny when you jokingly teased you used it as toilet paper too. **

**~.X.~**

* * *

**Sorry for the long wait! Truth be told I've been lazy…hahaha (^_^;) Anyways hoped you enjoyed this chapter! And thanks for all the reviews and support! It means a lot! You guys are great! Got this idea from Reaperdeath..so thank friend! :D**


	4. Don't Use the F Word

"Hnn!"

"HNNNN!"

"NNNNNNNNN!"

"Uh…not that I mind or anything but…what are you doing?"

Ace awkwardly smiled as he stared at his wife who was trying to squeeze into some pants. She had been rolling around the bed for a while now, painstakingly trying to button the once fitting blue jeans but each try was in vain. The button simply did not wish to close or rather— Alex's swollen belly was in the way.

"These pants fit me perfectly before! Why won't they zip up!?" the expecting mother huffed as she gave up and glared at the plain ceiling above her. Life was cruel, no longer could she eat cake but now her favorite pair of pants wouldn't fit. What was next?

"Maybe it's because….your fat?"

…

…...

…...

"**WHAT!?"**

The ivory tower rattled with such a force that it was recorded as one of the largest earthquakes to have struck Wonderland since the Big Move in 1846.

"W-W-What the hell was that?" Nightmare shuddered as Gray and Julius deadpanned. Though both navyettes were just as shaken.

"I don't know…" Gray muttered before adding, "But whatever it is…Ace is a dead man."

"Yeah."

The fellow men agreed as they had a moment of silence for their soon to be fallen male comrade, before ignoring the loud crashing noises that were happening above them. Yeah, it was better if they just pretended what they were hearing wasn't happening.

"FAT!? YOU THINK I'M FAT!?"

**CRASH!**

"N-N-No! Hahaha! Darling! I didn't mean it that way!"

**SMACK!**

"YES YOU DID! YOU CALLED ME FAT!" Alex seethed as she held up a flower vase, ready to chuck it at the smiling b****** who had dodged her other attempts to kill him.

"So what if I did? Big girls are just as sex—"

**BAM!**

"PERVERT! I WANT A DIVORCE!"

Alex screamed as Ace's body twitched from the hard impact of the glass container, and a small fountain of blood gushed out of his forehead. Thus he learned a very important lesson this day, one that would be written down in his survival guide and be one of the most important:

**DON'T EVER…AND I MEAN EVER, EVER EVVVVVVEEER USE THE "F" WORD. EVER. **

May all future husbands heed this warning and stitch their mouths shut. For hell hast no fury like a woman's rage.

**~.X.~**

"We are so glad that you agreed to let us come shopping with you."

Vivaldi smiled as Alex was too preoccupied at staring at all the adorable clothes inside the massive pregnancy store.

"Yeah! I'm happy too!" Alex chirped as she skimmed through a rack of huge sweaters that had some cute animal faces stitched on near the bottom of the fabric so that it covered their growing bellies.

"Though, we do not understand why HE had to come along."

Vivaldi's violet eyes narrowed in disgust at the grinning buffoon who stood safely at a distance from his wife for some reason. And he had a perfectly fine reason to, by the way.

"Because he wanted too.~ Right, Ace, darling?" Alex smiled brightly as flowers of moe showered upon her, which would usually cause the knight to hug his wife tightly and say something perverted but surprisingly he didn't.

"Y-Y-Yes, Alex, dear."

He stuttered quite shakily as the Red Queen nearly had a heart attack. Of all the years the knight had served her, never ONCE had she seen him display such fear or obedience. Alex on the other hand seemed pleased by his response and skipped off to another section where she had spotted some comfy-looking pants, and as soon as she was out of sight, the Executioner of Wonderland collapsed.

"What the—"

"hahaha…I'm still alive…hahaha~" Ace wearily laughed as all the color drained from his face.

"Uh…Knight…what is wrong with—ACK!"

Vivaldi's eyes widened in shock as Ace clung to the bottom of her dress, his face showing exhaustion and his once bright eyes filled with sorrow.

"H-H-Help me…I-I-I can't take it anymore….S-S-She's going to kill me…really she is!" Ace chattered like a mad man as the Queen of Hearts yanked her skirt out of his grasp and frowned at the pathetic man's actions.

"Nonsense! Our Alex is as gentle as lamb! See!"

Vivaldi chided as she pointed a polished finger at Alex who was all smiles and surround by dozen of faceless workers who were laughing and babbling how adorable the new mother was and how the baby was going to be ten times adorable. In fact innocent bubbles and flower petals surround the joyous scene and was that a cherubim playing a harp in the distance? Hm..strange…I would have figured it would be playing a lute instea—

"No! Lies! All of it! Y-Y-You don't understand…she's a ticking time bomb…looking at her the wrong way, saying anything, heck even breathing in her direction incorrectly…she turns into a monster!" Ace paled as he recollected all the times he had said something and Alex attacked him. "Which usually would be a huge turn on for me but no..this is different…this is EVIL. Hahahaha.." Ace nervously laughed as the image of Alex nearly decapitating him with his OWN sword flashed through his mind.

And what had he done to deserve that?

He looked at her while she picked up an apple….AN APPLE!

_It was peaceful in the Tower's kitchen, so far, and the knight was sitting stiffly in his chair alongside his best friend Julius who was reading a newspaper. Suddenly Alex appeared, and as she slowly made her way to the kitchen counter towards a bowl of fruit, Ace watched his pretty wife. Admiring how graceful and beautiful she was, how she really did have that pregnancy glow that those baby books talked about. _

_Yeah, he was such a lucky gu—_

_**THUNK**_

"_I know what you're thinking…" Alex darkly said as she dropped the red fruit back into the bowl. _

"_Huh? What are you talking abo—" _

"_JUST BECAUSE I'M SLIGHTLY BIGGER DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T EAT HEALTHY FOR ONCE!" _

_Tears ran down Alex's cheeks as Ace remained even more confused and Julius knowing what was going to happen, dug his face deeper into the newspaper hoping this would all blow over quickly. _

"_But Alex I didn't say—" _

"_DIE YOU WRETCHED MAN!" _

"_WAH! ALEX! PUT DOWN MY SWORD!...Hahahaha Doesn't this remind you of that time we—"_

_**SWISH!**_

"_DIE YOU PERVERTED KNIGHT!" _

Yup. Anything and everything could set her off and it was driving the once brave knight—crazy.

"Tch, stupid man, it is because you are insensitive to our Alex's condition." Vivaldi stated as she held her chin up in disgust and Ace just continued to shake his head.

"No it's not tha—"

"Ace-husband! Vivaldi! Look at all the cute clothes I found!~" Alex suddenly appeared, causing Ace to spring back into position with a goofy smile plastered on his face. "Wow! Alex, those are just wonderful! We must see you in these dresses!" Vivaldi cheered as Alex blushed.

"I don't know Vivaldi what if—"

"Poppycock! You will be the most adorable mother out there! Now run along and put them on.~" Vivaldi waved her off as Alex smiled happily and ran into a nearby changing room. All the while with the expecting father's mouth hanging down in astonishment.

"H-H-How did you—"

"Heh, it's quite simple you stupid man…you must be sensitive and reassuring to your wife, build up her confidence rather than say such vulgar things instead." Vivaldi all-knowingly said as Ace silently took the queen's advice and decided to give it a try. He did after all wanted to stay alive, at least see his child be born, before Alex murdered him for saying something wrong.

"What do you think of this? Do you like it?" Alex stepped out from behind the door, now wearing a large white sweater with a cute pink bunny in the center and golden crème colored tights and pink ballet flats. She was simply adorable and the Queen had to resist with all her might from squealing out in delight.

"You look cute!~" Ace grinned as Alex's face turned a bright pink before she shyly turned away.

"Y-Y-You think so? I thought the sweater was a tad bi—"

"Oh yeah it's huge! I didn't even think they made sweaters that size."

The idio—er knave said hastily "agreeing" with his wife as Vivaldi facepalmed her forehead and the store turned eerie silent.

"…..Die…."

"Huh?"

"DIE YOU B******!"

"Oh gracious! Alex! We demand you put that mannequin down! Think of your condition!"

"NOT UNTIL I HAVE HIS HEAD!"

**CRASH!**

"ALEX! ACE YOU IDIOT APOLOGIZE!"

"I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY FOR EVER BEING BORN WITH A MOUTH!"

"DIEEEEE!"

**~.X.~**

"Ace..I'm sorry I attacked you with a mannequin…and I'm also sorry I almost choked you to death with tube socks."

Alex sheepishly apologized as she strolled along the town's streets with her bandaged husband by her side. He took quite a beating at the maternity store, and the doctors were even amazed that he survived his injuries. He was a lucky man.

Maybe.

"It's no problem…" Ace smiled as Alex let out a sigh of relief, she was glad he wasn't mad at her. A little fearful but not mad at all.

The two continued to walk in silence before Alex noticed another expecting couple, the faceless mother two times her size and waddling next to her smiling husband and a small thought occurred to her. And little did she know, these thoughts were dangerous—especially to her husband's health.

"Hey Ace."

"Yes, wifey?"

"Do you think I'll look that good when I'm that si—WAH! What the hell are you doing!?"

Alex jumped up as she watched Ace strip down into his boxers and kissed his wife on the cheek.

"I'm off to be the wizard of all nudists."

"EH?!"

"Fare the well!~~"

Ace cried out behind him as he galloped down the streets, leaving plenty of faceless shocked/scarred for life and leaving Alex utterly confused.

"W-W-Wizard of Nudists?" She gaped before sweat dropping in defeat. "W-W-Well at least he has a job now…ha..hahaha."

That's right, Alex, always look on the bright side.

"Hahahaha! I shall grant all my nudist brothers their wildest dreams!~~"

**~.X.~**

So rule number four in Ace's Survival guide:

**DON'T USE THE "F" WORD. In fact, hardly say anything at all. But if faced with a situation in which your wife asks for a compliment, drop down into your undies and RUN… RUN as far away as you can. It's better for people to label you as some sicko than to face the wrath of your freakishly strong wife. **

**P.S. Freakishly is also another "F" word…. Don't use it either, the results remain the same. **

**~.X.~**

* * *

**Okay… I actually had fun writing this chapter and even made myself laugh….hoped it made others laugh too! :D also I'm up for any ideas anyone has or if you want see something happen, such as idk, Ace gloating in Joker's face or Alex robbing a cake store. Meh, whateves. Any who..thanks for the support and reviews! :D **


	5. Bromance

Julius followed behind—no scratch that—trudged , no that still wasn't right, how about….dragged, yeah that's better. Julius was dragged by Ace through the town streets with much reluctance and why?

Because he was kidnapped by the idiot, that's why.

"Ace…I demand that you release me or else I'll be force to retaliate."

A vein twitched on the navyette's forehead as he tried to calm himself down. Having an explosion of emotions in the middle of the street wasn't the ideal of situations and probably would just make everything worse as it already was. Especially since the silent knight stopped in his tracks for what seemed like a millisecond before tossing the now VERY pissed clock maker onto his shoulder.

"Uwah! ACE! PUT ME DOWN!"

"Hahaha! Sorry Julie-chan! But not until we get to the place~"

"ACE! PUT ME DOWN!"

Julius seethed as he began to kick and punch at the knave who didn't even flinch from the weak attacks, ( he had after all became immune to any punch and attacks after being beat by his pregnant wife) and Julius seeing no other option took out his wrench and began to pound it into the knight's head.

That did the trick.

**SMACK!**

"Oooowwww~ Julie-chan! That hurt!" Ace whined as he dropped the mortician onto the floor and held his now sore head.

"Good! It was supposed to! Now leave me the **** alone!" Julius shuffled to his feet as he pushed his long navy locks out of his face and adjusted his coat. He was pissed, well beyond pissed, and any reasonable person would be too if some psycho brunette barged into their office early one morning saying that they needed their body and then proceeded to harass them until they just decided to kidnap you in the end. And to top it off, Julius knew that there would be a decent amount of clocks waiting for him back home.

Just great.

"But…Julie-chan! I need you…I…I really need you now.."

Ace's red eyes shimmered with an innocent childish want as Julius glanced at him and cursed underneath his breath. Despite being a gloomy hermit he was actually a big softie underneath that bleak exterior and puppy dog eyes were his greatest weakness. And of course Ace knew this, in fact he started the countdown in his head waiting for Julius to break.

One.

"…"

Two.

Julius fidgeted, obviously having an internal struggle.

Three.

"….Okay…What do you need me for.."

Julius tiredly sighed, placing his hand against his cool forehead, enjoying for the moment that he didn't have the massive headache he KNEW that was coming.

"Well I don't really need you…I just need…" Ace paused for a moment before a smirk played on his lips and he suddenly stood dangerously close to the now blushing Guardian of Time. "Your body…" He seductively purred as Julius turned another shade of crimson and stumbled back.

"WAH-WHAT!?"

Yup. Today was going to be a pain, to say in the least."

**~.X.~**

"I hate you."

"Hahaha! I love you to—"

"No, Ace.. I really…really..REALLY hate you."

"Awww, Jules you don't mean tha—"

"I do...in fact if you were dangling off a cliff right now, I would make sure to stomp on your hands then grab a bag of popcorn and enjoy the view of you plunging to your death." Julius coldly said as his icy blue eyes narrowed in a Ultra-super mega death glare at Ace, who just continued laughing and smiling away.

And what was the cause of this hatred amongst friends?

It's simple really, after Julius gave Ace a good smack for being all up in his personal biz, the two bros continued to journey towards the place Ace was heading too (though in the opposite direction and the two got lost and had to ask for directions and well you know—tons of boring stuff we don't need to go into detail about) which surprising was a…

Birthing class.

Yep, you read correctly. A class that was all about giving birth and other life-scarring things about the female body that guys don't need to know.

"Come on Julie-chan! Don't be like that! Besides who says two bros can't rock a birthing class?" Ace brightly smiled as he sat Indian-style on a mat across from a peeved Julius.

"Oh…I don't know…the ****ing Dealer!" Julius cussed earing a ton of shocked/angry glares from expecting mothers and fathers who hugged their swollen tummies trying to protect their babies from the naughty words. But of course Julius was just too angry and embarrassed to care. "How are two guys supposed to know how to give birth?!" Julius gritted his teeth as he gripped his knees, trying not to strangle the guy in front of him.

"Hahaha! That's why we're taking the class…besides Julius you're the closest thing to a woman that I could fin—Ack!" Ace dropped to the floor as Julius withdrew his wrench from the knight of hearts head.

"I'm leaving…."

"No! Wait…Julius.." Ace desperately grabbed the fleeting navyette's wrist causing him to stop in his tracks. "Please…stay…"

"Why should I?"

"Please…if you can't do it for me…then do it for Alex…please I'm begging here…" The knight looked almost apologetic as Julius's clock heart seemed to gently tick in compassion. "Besides if you don't stay I'll tell Alex that you called her fat.~~" Ace happily added on as the mortician collapsed in defeat.

"Y-Y-You monster.."

"Hahaha~ I'm not gunna suffer alone."

Ace smiled triumphantly as Julius let out a sigh and joined Ace back on the mat. A pregnant Alex, especially an angry one, was about the most terrifying thing he had ever seen.

"Let's just get this over with this."

Julius stared hard ahead of him, waiting for the instructor to arrive and sure enough an older faceless woman appeared and with an elderly smile welcomed her students.

"Hello, mommies and daddies.. " She began before stopping in her tracks when she saw both Julius and Ace sharing a mat with each other. " And daddies and daddies…"

Cue awkward silence.

"W-W-We're not tog—" Julius sputtered before the instructor cut him off.

"It's okay here at Granny Jem's School for Expecting Parents, we don't judge." The older lady smiled again and before Julius could utter any protest, Ace decided to take matters into his own hands.

"Aww, thanks Grandma! It's so hard ya know, since people think we can't raise a kid together. But we want to, don't we lover?"

"You poor things.."

"I'M NOT GAY!"

**~.X.~**

"Ta-da!"

Alex popped up in front of a slightly surprised Ace and a mental scarred Julius. "Look at your baby!~" Alex continued to pipe as she held the black and white sonogram in front of her husband and friend.

"Oh? That's our baby?" Ace curiously asked as he grabbed the flimsy thing with two fingers and quickly scanned the image. "Haha~ It does look like a giraffe!"

"Hey! No it doesn't you jerk!"

Alex pouted as she punched Ace's shoulder and yanked the photo from his grasp. "So…you were at a sonogram?" Julius suddenly spoke up, unable to look Alex in the eyes. That birthing class really had scarred him, and there were A LOT of things he was better off NOT knowing about the pregnant female body. "Yup! That's why I couldn't go to the class today with Ace.." Alex sadly frowned as Ace patted her head. "It's okay there's always next time…or how about Julie-chan and I show you what we—"

"NO!"

Julius threw his arms in the air flustered causing Alex to curiously wonder what exactly happened at the class.

Trust me, Alex, you're better off not knowing. (**AN: Due to Ace's Pervy-ness the author cannot discuss what exactly happened at the class…though we will leave you with this…awkward positions and heavy breathing= very disturbing Ace who has a sick tendency of making the most innocent things dirty) **

"Uhhh…okay…later then." Alex sheepishly replied as the burning color on Julius's face seemed to go down. "Anyways…they say the baby is due in spring! Isn't that great?" Alex bobbed up and down, her eyes shimmering with joy, since that meant she was now closer to being joined with her beloved cakes once again.

"Spring?" Ace stoically said before walking off into another room, leaving behind a confused Alex and Julius. "Ace? " Alex called after him but received no response. What was wrong with her husband? "Did I do something wrong?" The worried wife asked Julius who gave her a faint smile and patted her shoulder. "No.. you didn't… I'll go talk to him...you must be tired so get some rest, okay?" The clock maker advised as Alex felt her anxiety go down a notch before nodding. "Okay…and thanks Julius…for everything." She gave the anti-social man a quick peck on the cheek before waddling off to her bedroom to sleep. Julius's face turned a light pink from the sudden contact and quickly shaking off the old feelings he had for the foreigner he followed after his stupid friend.

"Hey…Ace…" Julius found the brunette outside (of course) staring up at the blue sky above him.

"Hm? Oh hey Julius~ You missed me already?"

The knave teased as Julius frowned before sighing. "What's wrong?" Julius said getting straight to the point as Ace seemed to stiffen but then quickly relax. "I don't know what you mean..." He bluffed as he continued his gaze towards the heavens. "Oh really? So just running off after receiving good news is normal?" Julius questioned the expecting father as silence filled the air around them, chilling the mortician to his bones. Such silence was nerve-racking especially when the unpredictable Executioner of Wonderland was nearby. Another moment passed before the brunette finally spoke.

"It's just…becoming so real…"

"Real?"

"Yeah…and it's happening so fast too…I just don't know what to do…." Ace honestly said as Julius recognized what his friend was feeling.

"Ace…your nervous…about becoming a father aren't you?"

"…Yeah, heh, I guess I am."

Another long pause followed as the two men just stood there next to each, both staring at the vast blue above them.

"If…you ask me…I don't think you should have anything to worry about." Julius spoke up causing the brunette to look at him in surprise. "I think you'll make a good father…despite that your directionally challenge and an idiot most of the time—"

"Geez, Julius that's-"

"Only a great father would do the things you do…going shopping and taking beatings from your hormonal wife without complaint and even going to a birthing class to make sure Alex wouldn't miss anything….not many guys could do that." Julius finished as Ace continued to stare in amazement at his friend before a large smile begin to grow on his face.

"Aww, is this a confession? Hahaha! Does Julius want me to be the father of his children?"

"What? NO!? WHAT THE HELL ACE!?"

"Hahaha~ Don't worry Julie-chan~ There's enough of me for everyone!"

"Gah! GET OFF OF ME YOU SICK B******!"

**~.X.~**

Rule number five of Ace's Survival Guide: **During these stressful times...it's best to have a bro around…especially one that will agree to be your pregnant wife for a birthing class. That's true bromance right there. **

**~.X.~**

* * *

**I have no idea where this came from…not as funny as I thought it would be.. I think I could have done better but anyways …GOOD NEWS! Only two more chapters until the birth! Yay! And idk if I should keep going after that…so do you guys want to see how Ace raises another human being? Leave a review to let me know :D until next time! Peace out! **


	6. Beware of the Body Pillow

"What is it….."

"It's something to help you."

"Oh-kay...but what is it?"

Alex held the limp fabric stuffed with cotton in her hands as Vivaldi continued to smile away, pleased with the gift she had gotten the foreigner. It was too bad that the said foreigner didn't feel the same way. In fact Alex didn't know what to make of the large U shaped thing, it felt soft and cushiony, so maybe it was a chair or something?

"It's a body pillow!" Vivaldi excitedly squealed as Alex tilted her head to the side.

"Body…pillow?"

"Yes they said it'll change your life forever!"

"I doubt that.."

Alex said unsure that a pillow could really be that life changing. But of course little did she know…it was.

**~.X.~**

"You look like c***."

Peter sweatdropped as he stared at the knight who crawled out of the green tent, set up in the middle of the castle's hallway. "Also…how many times do I have to tell you—"

**SWISH!**

The prime minister barely managed to duck from the huge blade that almost swiped his ears right off. "Hahahaha! I missed…though next time I won't.~" Ace madly grinned as Peter sighed and whipped out his gun. "Not that I care or anything…but what are you doing at Heart Castle…isn't your wife at the tower?" Peter frowned as Ace stiffened in place before putting his sword away.

"I'm going on an adventure!~"

The knight grinned and so he did.

The bar room was dimly lit as the knave took a seat on a barstool and immediately slammed his forehead onto the counter.

**THUNK!**

"Heh, rough day?" A deep voice asked as Ace let out a tired sigh. "More like night…" The brunette muttered as he remembered how uncomfortable a sleeping bag was. Sure he had grown use to it over the years but after sleeping next to Alex on a comfy bed he had almost forgotten how bad it was to sleep on a rock hard surface.

"Huh?" The voice sounded perplexed as Ace sighed again.

"I have a pregnant wife….and she's replaced me with a pillow…a f***ing pillow." Ace sulked as he slowly began to tap his forehead on the smooth counter. She was only supposed to use it for one night, but then one night turned into two, then three and before you know it Ace was kicked off the island to make room for the ginormous thing. And if that wasn't enough, Alex took it everywhere and he means EVERYWHERE. Alex's excuse for dragging the oddly shaped pillow around: _"It's a body pillow thus it needs to be by my body 24/7!" _

"A pillow, huh…hmm….then why don't you just get rid of it?"

The mysterious companion suggested as Ace suddenly perked up. Get rid of the pillow? It was so simple…so crazy…it might just work.

"Hahaha! Right! I'll just assassinate the pillow! Hahaha! Then the bed will be mine! Hahaha!" The knave jumped up to his feet and quickly vanished not even bothering to thank the man for his advice.

Rude.

"Who was that, Jericho?"

"Hm? Just some poor sucker with a pregnant wife. May the Dealer have mercy on his soul." The older role holder said as he touched his forehead, then midsection and finally shoulders as if making a cross. Though the guy didn't know much about pregnant women he had heard rumors—and those were enough for the greyish-purple haired man to be thankful he had missed out on his love's pregnancy. But then again—

"I missed out on a lot of things didn't I…" The dodo randomly said as the faceless bartender placed down a shot glass in front of him.

"Well you don't have to miss out on our special! Drink four shots in less than ten seconds and get the bottle free!~"

"It's on!"

**~.X.~**

"Let's see…what to get on the grocery list...ah! We need to get peanut butter dipped pickles!"

"Peanut butter dipped….pickles…"

Boris sweatdropped as Alex happily looked at the Cheshire cat, who happened to be in town at the time. He hadn't seen his best friend in a while, since the knight had locked her away in the tower and apparently she was pregnant, much to his surprise—since he thought Alex was pretty stupi—well that explains it.

"Yes! Their magically delicious! Plus we have to get Le Burger Extravagant."

"Le what?"

"Japanese waygu beef, infused with 10-herb white truffle butter, seasoned with Alderwood smoked pacific sea salt, topped with cheddar cheese, shaved black truffles and a fried quail egg served on a white truffle-buttered Campagna roll and finished with a blini, crème fraiche and Kaluga golden caviar. Oh—and, a solid gold diamond-encrusted toothpick on the side." Alex waved a finger in the air as the cat-boy remained even more confused and slightly hungry.

"Can you even find tha—uh what is that?"

"What is what?"

Alex tilted her head curiously to the side as she re-adjusted the body pillow wrapped around her shoulders.

"That.." Boris pointed towards her, surprised that he didn't notice the weirdly shaped pillow on his friend's body. "Oh, this?" Alex held up a picture of a strawberry shortcake she tore out of a pastry magazine. "What?! When did you—never mind." Boris's ears flattened against his head as he thought about giving up, the foreigner had always been a weird one and her actions just continued to prove his point.

"I carry this photo around, because real cake sickens me. It's the only thing that provides me comfort along with Charlie." Alex explained as Boris's amber eyes gleamed with curiosity.

"Charlie? Who's Charli—"

"He is of course…"

Alex lifted up her body pill—well Charlie as a large drop of sweat rolled down the Cheshire cat's brow. She couldn't be serious could she?

"You named a pillow…."

"Yep."

"Do you know how ridiculous that i—"

"Says the cat who wears a feathered boa every day and a skirt."

Touché.

"IT'S A SKORT!"

"Man-skirt, skort same thing."

Alex shrugged as she waddled down the street, for some reason being pregnant kind of turned you into some sort of human penguin and that wasn't fun at all. Especially when your husband decided to give you a "cute" nickname like Waddles. It took the residents at the tower two time changes to unbury the knave from the grave Alex put him in. Anyways the two companions continued down their way, searching for the weird cravings the pregnant lady was having, unaware of the danger that lurked in the shadows.

**SWISH!**

Boris tackled Alex to the ground, making sure that his body would hit the cement first before she did. "What the hell!?" The cat boy shouted as Ace suddenly appeared with sword in hand, grinning madly. "Oh, hey Boris…haha! Didn't see ya there." The Knave smiled as amber eyes glared holes at him. "You almost killed us!" Boris seethed unsure why, the psycho knight would attack him and his pregnant wife.

"Did I?"

"Yeah you—"

"NOOOOOO! CHARLIE!"

A scream interrupted the two males standoff as Alex gently held the now torn pillow, it's snowy stuffing spilling out like some overstuffed burrito. "CHARLIE'S BEEN HIT!" Alex sobbed as she squeezed the lifeless thing, causing more of the fluffy insides to pour out.

"DON'T WORRY BUDDY! I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL! NO! A SEWING FACTORY! A SEWING HOSPITAL FACTORY! JUST DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!"

Alex shook Charlie as both knave and cat deadpanned at the scene, not really sure what they were seeing. Must be a pregnancy thing or something. Yeah, it was definitely a girl thing.

"WHY MUST THE GOOD DIE YOUNG!?" Alex wept before her husband feeling a bit guilty (actually no, he wasn't feeling guilty at all) came and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry wifey, I'm sure someday they'll catch the monster that murdered him—"

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO FRICKEN KILLED HIM!" Boris shouted, frantically waving his hands in the air, though his action went unnoticed by the grief-stricken Alex.

"And when they do, I'm sure you'll see it was an accident and forgive the poor guy." Ace finished as Boris facepalmed his forehead. "T-T-There's no way that was an accident.." The Cheshire muttered, wondering how he ever got into this mess.

"B-B-But Charlie—"

"Is in a better place now." _In hell where he belongs. _Ace mentally added the last part as Alex wrapped her arms around him and began to continue her crying. "There, there, wifey! It's okay…I'll be your body pillow." Ace comforted Alex who suddenly pulled away and wiped the large tears streaming down her face.

"R-R-Really?"

"Yeah! Plus I'll be a hundred times better than that old thing."

"Are y-y-you sure?"

"Hahaha! Of course!" Ace said as he scooped up his wife and started to walk off. "See I doubt that stup—er pillow could carry you around like this.~" Ace hummed as Alex blushed and wrapped her arms around her loving husband.

"Uwah! Ace-husband! You're the best!"

She piped as the two love-birds walked off into the bleeding sunset leaving behind a now SUPER confused Cheshire Cat.

"What the f*** did I just see?"

**~.X.~**

Rule number six to Ace's Survival Guide: **Beware of the Body Pillow….It will ruin the love-life between you and your bed…er I mean wife! Yeah….wife….Don't tell Alex. **

**P.S. it's also a good idea to go to each store and pillow factory and burn it to the ground. **

**P.S.S. when lighting the place…make sure you don't get ANY gasoline on you…or else you'll catch on fire, it's kind of like some rule of nature or something, who would have known right? **

**~.X.~**

* * *

**So for the people who haven't read Struggle or Conflicted...Jericho is Alex's dad...the two haven't met though but since this is kinda of a crack fic, i'm speeding the process. I'd like to thank MegaKiraraLover for the idea and if anyone else wants to know...yes Alice will be popping up too...in fact PRETTY soon. Well anyways I'll also like to thank all the reviewers, followers and faverioters? Favrioters? Favefollowers? Uh..people who have Favorited this story, truth be told i thought i would have like maybe one or two... So thanks you guys! Also just one more chapter until the baby comes! Yay! I'm so happy! It's gunna be awesome! Any who until next time darlings!~ :D**

**P.S. Jericho is the Dodo by the way and comes out in Diamond country...for those who didn't know...**


	7. Baby Shower Blues

Alex's eyes glittered as she ran, (well waddled, she was pretty huge you know) around the amusement park, nearly bursting from excitement. "Uwah! Look at all the rides! We have to go on! We have too!" The pregnant woman flapped her arms wildly like a bird as spectators could only shield their eyes from the massive rays that were blasting off from her cheerfulness.

"….Alex…you know you can't go on because your pregnant, right?" Gray pointed out to the over-active foreigner who instantly slumped and began to grow fungi in a corner and started a small mushroom business.

Supposedly, since they were grown by her tears, they came out pretty good.

"Oi! You can't just start a mushroom business in the middle of a theme park!" Julius's left eye twitch as he was pretty sure you couldn't just be selling fungi in the center of the street. Plus he was getting pretty tired of Alex's weird antics, sure she was pregnant and all and couldn't help it but after a couple of months enough was enough. If Ace wasn't going to tell his wife anything then he wa—

"B-B-But the world needs more mushrooms." Huge watery teal blue eyes met harsh cobalt ones before the darker blue orbs softened.

Yep. There goes that plan.

"Aww it's okay sweet pea go ahead and sell all the mushrooms you want. Just make sure you go 50/50 with me on the profits you make." Gowland patted her head, thinking how cute his niece (though they weren't blood related) was, even if she started a growing corporation on his property. Those mushrooms were really good.

"60/40" Alex responded causing Gowland to flinch back, before sweatdropping, she couldn't be serious. This was his land, he should get a higher amount.

"40/60"

"80/10"

"WHAT!? HELL NO! 10/80!" Gowland shouted as a vein swelled on his forehead and Alex coolly put her hand out towards the amusement park owner.

"60/40 and I'll throw in this key chain."

Alex held up an adorable kitty key chain, causing a certain dream lord to check his pockets. "Hey! That's mine!" Nightmare shouted, though it fell on deaf ears.

"Deal."

"Nice doing business with you."

"THAT'S MY KEY CHAIN!~"

Nightmare sobbed as Gray patted his back trying to soothe his clock-broken boss. "I thought this was supposed to be a baby shower not some business meeting." Gray deadpanned unsure of what to make of the whole thing. But then again this whole deal was unusual, since girls were supposed to have this baby bash not fully grown men.

"Ace…do something about this.." Julius turned to the knave who was causally munching on a mushroom.

"These are pretty good." He grinned as he shoved another fungi in his mouth.

Yeah, obviously Julius needed to see rule number four in his survival guide. Which basically and sorta applies to this situation. So instead of angering his wife with his words and get almost beat to death, he would rather just stay on the sidelines.

Good choice, Ace. Good choice.

"Alex! There you are!~" Vivaldi waved towards the foreigner as she dragged Boris behind her. "We need you to come play games with us!~~" The Queen sang as Boris paled, poor guy had been fed cat food and had been called fluffy and cute for what seemed like the longest time change ever.

"Oh! Games! Cool! Bye-bye guys!" Alex rushed off with Vivaldi and Boris, leaving the small crowd of men in confusion.

"So what do we do now? "

"I don't know I never been to a baby shower before."

"Wanna go get drinks?"

"Sounds like a plan to me."

"Shots! Shots! S-S-Shots! Shots!"

**~.X.~**

"Alex-chan has the baby kicked yet? Chu~" Pierce asked as he looked at Alex's round tummy, despite the glares that were being sent his way by Vivaldi and Ace. For some reason they just hated the poor mousy guy.

"….No not yet…." Alex sadly smiled as she put a hand on her swollen stomach, the baby was supposed to be kicking and moving by this time but for some reason the baby never did. She went to the doctor of course and he said everything was fine—but it did little to ease the mother's nerves. Alex would have liked it if the baby would just kick once or something.

"Aww…I really wanted to feel it, chu!" Pierce piped as Alex's bangs shrouded her face.

"Yeah….me too."

Ace stayed silent as he stared at the fallen expression of his lovely wife's face. Usually he loved all the expressions she made but for some reason this one bothered him. "Oi! Wifey let's open presents!" Ace clapped his hands together before sneaking up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Huh? Presents?" Alex suddenly perked up as Ace grinned.

"Yeah! All the role-holders brought presents for the baby!"

The knave pointed to all the role-holders who were sitting at the many tables, the clock tower residents all sat at one a little bit wasted, as the Hatters sat at another one with Blood drinking tea and Elliot arguing with the twins, the Amusement park residents sat at a table near Alex since they were kind enough to let Alex have the shower on their territory and of course Vivaldi, Peter and Ace sat with Alex. The only role-holders that were missing were the Jokers, but Ace thought that was because he threatened the red-heads to try and come to HIS baby shower.

"Oh cool! I want to open the presents!" Alex bounced up in down in her seat, automatically lighting up again, which eased the concerned for his wife that was chipping away at Ace's clock.

"Heh, let's open them together." Ace riskily said as Alex nodded.

"Okay!~" Alex chirped as the knave breath out a sigh of relief. He was sure she was going to tell him no and then proceed to smack him using the nearest item available. Which would have been Pierce.

Thus the present opening commenced!

"I really didn't know what to get you since you didn't say if it was a girl or boy…but I hope you like it anyways!" Elliot blushed as he handed his gift over to a curious Alex. He was pretty surprised that his friend was pregnant especially by Ace. "It's okay Elliot, we don't know the gender either…I wanted it to be a surprise!~" Alex beamed as she hastily opened the gift and pulled out a bright red scarf and a carrot shaped plush toy. Leave it to Elliot to have something carrot related in his gift.

"Ah! So cute! Thank you Elliot!"

"It was no problem…the plush toy can also be used as a teething ring…" Elliot turned a darker shade of red as he sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. And Ace noticing this felt jealously run through his veins. "Hahaha! Why a carrot plush toy? Is our child going to be a rabbit or something?" Ace grinned as Elliot stiffened and Alex sweat-drop knowing exactly where this was going.

"Oi! Carrots aren't just for rabbits! Besides this isn't a carrot it's obviously a carrot dish!"

"Really? I don't see the difference, hahaha.~"

"Why you—"

"Next gift!" Alex interrupted them as their argument ceased but the glares held between the two lingered.

"Onee-chan! Our gift is that we'll play with the baby!~" The Bloody twins said in unison, absolutely thrilled that their onee-chan was going to have a baby. It meant they would finally have someone closer to their age to play with. "Yeah! We'll play lots of games!" Dee grinned broadly as Alex suspiciously stared at the two.

"What kind of games?"

"Killing games of course!~" Both twins sang happily as sparkles showered off of them.

"Request denied." Alex gave them a thumbs down as the raven-haired twins frowned.

"Geez onee-chan…your no fun." Dum huffed as Dee agreed. "No fun at all."

So the gift giving continued and Alex and Ace got a lot of cool baby junk. Such as clothes (both girl and boy), diapers, bottles, toys, blankets and those types of things and the only gift left was Nightmare's and judging by the empty air in his hands, the expecting parents could only wonder what it could be. But before the silver-haired role-holder could approach the couple, two red-heads suddenly appeared.

"Joker!" Alex happily shouted as she ran to meet both Jester and Warden. She hadn't seen her close friends since forever and she greatly missed them. And before she could hug them, Ace yanked her from her shirt collar and placed her behind him.

"What are you doing here?" Ace questioned as the air suddenly thickened with tension as wine colored orbs met with red.

"Well….we were invited.." The Jester coyly smiled as Black scowled, and for once decided to just let his counter-part speak. "And it would be awfully rude if we didn't show up with a present." White continued as he presented Alex with a small black box with a bright red bow.

"Oh…thanks you guys! You guys are too sweet." Alex smiled brightly as her fingers messed with the ribbon, trying to get it off. "I wonder what it is—" Her voice trailed off as her turquoise eyes widened and she nearly dropped the gift in surprise. Ace noticing his wife's reaction grabbed the gift from her shaky hands and looked into the dark box.

"A gun…." Ace muttered as he continued to stare at the silver pistol that had an ivory handle with a blood red rose etched at the bottom corner. It was beautiful and obviously a good weapon but despite that Ace could only feel hate towards the two red-heads for their gift.

"Yes. Wonderland is still a dangerous place…and you just don't know who you can trust in this world." White smiled as he glanced at Alex, who looked very pale. She wasn't very good around guns, especially since she had a very bad experience with one. "You should be careful Alex, it's the people closest to you that keep the most vile secrets." The Jester whispered into her ear and swiftly ducked down, avoiding the knave's blade.

"Hahaha! Thanks for the gift but I think it's about time you get lost." Ace grinned as Black already unsheathed his whip but White held up his hand, stopping his counter-part. "But of course, we are busy people. It was nice seeing you again, Alex. Hopefully you'll visit soon." White said as Alex gave him a half-smile and watched as the two red-heads disappeared. Once again the air was awfully quiet as the surrounding role-holders didn't really know how to respond to the situation.

"Um! Well it's my turn to give a present!" Nightmare jovially cut in as some of the awkward stress seemed to lighten.

"Right!" Alex quickly shrugged off whatever she had been feeling and looked towards the incubus who was all smiles. "So what is your present?"

"Oh I think you'll like it a lot!" Nightmare grinned, completely satisfied with this great idea for a gift."

"Okay…"

"Well Alex….you can thank me later or now because for my gift—"

Cue drum roll.

"I'm reuniting you with your parents!" Nightmare squealed as suddenly Alice and Jericho appeared completely confused and surprised how they suddenly showed up at the Amusement Park.

"W-W-What!?" Alex's mouth dropped as nervous sweat ran down her forehead and she caught the attention of her parents.

"Alex!" Both of them cried out in unison as they wrapped their arms around their suddenly hefty daughter. Not thinking much about it. Or actually they didn't notice her large tummy. "M-M-Mom…D-D-Dad" Alex said in disbelief, she hadn't seen her mother ever since she fell into Wonderland and of course she never knew her father. So all of this was pretty shocking.

"You're alive!" The happy parents continued to speak as one as they showered her in hugs and kisses, both relived and over-joyed they found their missing daughter.

Hm, maybe seeing them again wouldn't be so bad—well it wouldn't have if a certain knight didn't speak.

"Mother-in-law! Father-in-law! Hi!~" Ace joined in on the hug as both father and mother froze in their spots. "It's nice for you to join us at our baby shower! Hahaha~"

"Baby…." Alice twitched suddenly realizing that Alex's stomach was huge—pregnant huge.

"Shower…." Jericho nearly collapsed as he noticed the same thing.

"Yup! We're married!" Ace proudly hugged Alex who had a bad feeling about all this.

"**MARRIED!?" **

And that's when hell froze over.

**~.X.~**

**Ace's P.O.V.**

"They're pretty mad aren't they?" Alex asked as she peeked around the corner only to see Alice and Jericho continue to rage and destroy about everything in Clock Tower, since the seething parents nearly tore the Amusement Park in half. Despite mother-in-law and father-in-law having trouble in the past, they quickly got over it and joined forces when they saw that their only daughter was pregnant.

"Nah, I don't think s—"

"I'm going to rip that pervert's balls off and shove them down his throat!" Alice growled as she ran into the kitchen and pulled out a large knife and began to swing it around.

"Hahaha, then again maybe not."

I sweatdropped at the scene as Alex nervously twiddled her fingers. "I-I-I'm sorry…about my parents Ace….I didn't think they wouldn't like you—well actually….yeah they were going to hate you." Wifey bluntly said as I casually smiled. "Alex-chan your being cruel again.~" I whined as I rested my chin on top of her head.

"But don't worry! I have a plan so that way they'll definitely accept us." Alex pounded a small fist into her outstretched palm. Heh, she's so cute when she comes up with ideas, even though they all suck and never work out. They still make things interesting. "Really?" I curiously hummed as Alex shook her head. "Yup! Just watch and see!" Alex triumphantly grinned as she pulled a small string and suddenly a small stereo appeared in front of her parents that said "Play me". When did she—

"What's this?" Jericho eyed the thing suspiciously as he pressed the play button and music instantly streamed out of the speakers.

" _Papa I know you're going to be upset_

_'Cause I was always your little girl_

_But you should know by now_

_I'm not a baby"_

" _You always taught me right from wrong_

_I need your help, daddy please be strong_

_I may be young at heart_

_But I know what I'm saying"_

" _The one you warned me all about_

_The one you said I could do without_

_We're in an awful mess, and I don't mean maybe – please"_

"_Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep_

_Papa don't preach, I've been losing sleep_

_But I made up my mind, I'm keeping my baby, oh_

_I'm gonna keep my baby—"_

"What the hell is this…" Jericho deadpanned along with Alice. "I think it's Madonna…" The mother pointed out as the song continued to play. Oh, I think wifey's plan is actually working! Who would have known, but then again a catchy song always seems to lighten the mood. Maybe we can actually get along now.~

"Father-in-law! Mother-in-law!" I happily cried out as Alex paled and tried to grab me back but it was too late, both Jericho and Alice spotted me.

**BANG! BANG! **

"ACE!" Alex screamed as I barely dodged the bullets that the Dodo, shot at me. Oh! The old man still is pretty good after all these years. "Yep. After seeing his face I still can't approve of this idiot." Jericho frowned as Alice clung to her lover, er boyfriend, uh sleep buddy?, arm . "I agree, I don't accept this pervert either. Ace! How could you do that you pervert! I knew you were low but not that low! To take advantage of a young girl, how could you!?" Alice scolded me as Alex stayed silent by my side unable to say anything and just stared at the floor. She really cared too much what Alice thought, heh, I guess I'll have to be a knight and save he—

"Mom! Stop it! It's not just Ace's fault….it takes two people to make a baby!" Alex suddenly spoke up, surprising everyone in the room. Oh? Wifey is protecting me? How sweet. "And dad, I barely just met you after all these years so…you don't really have a say in this." Alex cruelly said causing a pained look to spread across the Dodo's face, before he composed himself.

"But I'm still your father! And you don't know Ace like both your mother and I know him." Jericho continued. Ah, that's right the mafia boss, has known me since I was just a troublesome kid and Alice of course played the game before.

"We'll you don't know him like I know him. Now if you excuse me…I'm sleepy and cranky! I haven't had cake in a long time and I couldn't ride roller coasters plus I haven't seen my feet in forever so good day to you! Ace! Come on!" Alex grabbed my hand as she dragged me into our room and roughly shut the door behind us—leaving two very shocked parents.

**~.X.~**

"…..Are you okay?" I asked Alex who rested on my laps and was practically glaring holes into the bed. "Yeah…I'm fine…it's just…argh!" Alex frustratedly threw her hands in the air as I chuckled. "It's not that bad, I'm sure they'll come around." I comforted her as she laid her head against my chest, still with a slight frown on her face.

"Yeah….maybe….I'm just tired…I guess…"

She yawned as I petted her head and planted a kiss on her cheek. "Then go to sleep…" I urged as she nodded and her eyelids fluttered closed. I knew she wasn't tired, she was worried, terribly worried and stressed out. With the baby not moving in her stomach like it's supposed to and now her parents not accepting me—"It must be hard…" I whispered as I listened to her soft snoring, heh, she always passed out quickly. She must have hadn't sleep well before she came to Wonderland.

"Oi….our kid that's in there…we should really stop causing your mother so many problems."

I talked to Alex's round tummy as I slipped my hands on top of it. It seems like I need to talk to he/she already. Heh, they're going to be a troublemaker just like his/her parents.

"You know your mom may not show it all the time but she worries. And since you want to be all greedy and not give your mother a little kick, you're making her worry more. Me too, by the way…which isn't a good thing." I added on as I wondered if the baby was getting all of this.

"If…you're worried about hurting her when you do…then don't. She's really tough you know, she has to be since she's with me. I love her very much and if you don't kick her and make her sad….then I won't teach you sword play. You hear that? I won't teach you how to be cool and awesome like m—"

**Kick!~**

I felt my eyes widened as I felt a small little jerk inside Alex's belly. It was soft and subtle but it was there a small little sign that a part of me was inside there—alive and well. "Heh…I thought so…" I whispered as the baby kicked again, which reminds me. "Alex! Wake up! The baby is kicking!" I shouted loudly causing her to instantly stir and look up at me slightly annoyed.

"Eh?"

"The baby….they're kicking...look."

I said as I grabbed her hands and placed them on her belly, letting her feel the gentle thumps that were going on inside of her.

"T-T-They're moving….they really are moving!" Alex smiled before tears started to run down her face. "H-H-Hello there, baby…I love you!" Alex's lips trembled as she cried harder and held onto my shirt. Sigh, women and their emotions, but….I'm glad she's happy.

In the end that's all that matters.

**~.X.~**

Rule number seven in Ace's Survival Guide: **Baby showers are not for men, even if they have awesome food and you get gifts. Which speaking about gifts you may not always get good ones but luckily you always have the option of returning or throwing them away. Unless that gift is your in-laws, I mean you can try to throw them out but they'll always come back. But besides the bad gifts…the great part about baby showers is knowing that another human being, one that's apart of you and someone you love is soon on their way. Even if they're a little late in arriving. **

**~.X.~**

* * *

**Sorry for the long chapter! I didn't mean for it to be so long! Gah! Anyways stay tuned because the next chapter—the baby arrivals! Yay! Will it be a girl or boy? Who knows! I do! Mwhahahaha! Though you are free to try and guess. Thanks for the reviews and support! Also the song is Papa Don't Preach by Madonna which i do not know...i'm still surprised that nowandays there's a song for EVERYTHING..seriously. **

**Alice-review….I can't believe she married Ace…ACE of all people!**


	8. My Potato

"I can't believe my parents accepted you…."

"I can't believe it either. I was sure there would have been a hit out for him already."

"Hahahaha! You two have no faith in me."

"Of course not you're an idiot."

Julius nonchalantly responded as the knave heartily laughed, despite the insults hurdled his way. But regardless of Alex and Julius's harsh comments it was a rather peaceful day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and somewhere in the distance you could probably hear happy little elves whistling some cheery tune.

Yep.

Everything was perfect.

"Oi! Julie-chan pass me a sandwich.~"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah!"

The brunette father grinned as the clock maker deadpanned. He had a reason too by the way. _"How could anyone stomach eating after watching Alex devour four roast beef sandwiches, three bags of chips, a bowl of pasta salad and four more sandwiches and then a full ham…is beyond me." _Julius paled as he reluctantly handed him over the club sandwich. Maybe going on a picnic with a pregnant woman wasn't the greatest ideas.

"Hey! Jules! Did ya spill water or something? Hahaha your so clusm—"

"I didn't spill anything…."

"Uh….guys…I think that was me…."

Alex cluelessly looked down at her pants that now had a dark wet splotch on them. Which of course could only mean one thing.

"I think the baby's coming…" The foreigner coolly said, still unable to tear her gaze from her soaked pants.

….

…...

…...

"UWAHHH! YOU'RE HAVING THE BABY!? NOW!? YOU'RE HAVING IT NOW!?"

Ace screamed as he tossed his sandwich aside, which smacked Julius right in the face, before he jumped up to his feet and began to run around in circles. Which kind of freaked out the other two, who never seen the carefree, go with the flow, knight act this way before.

"Yeah…I think so…" Alex calmly replied, truth was she didn't feel any pain, in fact she felt pretty fine right now.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU THINK!? IS IT COMING OR NOT!? OH GREAT DEALER! DO YOUR BREATHING EXERCISES! REMEMBER! BREATHE IN AND OUT OR WAS IT OUT AND THEN IN!? I DON'T REMEMBE—"

**THUNK!**

"We should probably go to the hospital…" Julius stated as he pulled his wrench away from Ace's head as he watched the knight's body slump to the ground. What the hell was wrong with the guy?

"Yeah….but do you think we should clean this up?"

"Uh….no…let some poor faceless handle that mess. And are you sure you're feeling fine?"

"Yup! Peachy!"

**~.X.~**

"GREAT F***ING COBBLER IN THE SKY! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU ALL! I HATE THE F***ING MALE RACE! I HATE YOUR F***ING—"

"Alex, calm down—"

"DON'T TELL ME TO F***ING CALM DOW—OH MY…IS THAT GUY DEAD!? IS HE DEAD!?"

Alex shrieked in sheer fear/agony as both mortician and recently awakened knave pushed the laboring mother down the hospital's hallways. Which unfortunately she saw some "dead" guy lying on some bed in the vast hall as they wheeled her down towards the doctor's station. Ace never knew Alex could have such a colorful vocabulary until the first contraction came and then it kind of went down south from there.

"Alex he's not dead—" Julius tried to reassure the frantic woman but of course Alex would be having none of that.

"NOOOO! I CHANGE MY MIND! I CAN HOLD IT IN! REALLY I CAN! ARGGHH! ASDFGHJKL!"

Alex gibbered as she clutched down onto the wheelchair and literally ripped off the arm rest.

"Uhhhh….Alex….um…I know this may be a bad time and all…but um...do I really have to hold your hand?" Ace sweatdropped as he tried to smile, but knowing that your pregnant wife is going to tear off your hand and probably beat you with it was actually—quite terrifying.

"WHAT!? ACE YOU—"

"Ah! This must be Alexandria, you're having the knight of heart castle's baby, right?" The oblivious doctor grinned as both Julius and Ace backed away from the wheelchair.

"…NO SH** SHERLOCK! NOW GET THIS BABY OUT OF MEEEEE!" Alex raged as the faceless just nodded his head and gently stroked his beard.

"Yes, yes...you seem to be in labor…you're probably a five by now. I can tell just by looking." Fortunately for the faceless, he had lost his hearing years ago. All due to the wails and shrieking of pregnant women in labor. "Anyways, which of you men are coming in?" The ancient man asked as he turned his wrinkled face towards the knave and clock maker.

"He is—OW!"

Ace held his head in pain as Julius left eye twitched. Damn knight was trying to get out of holding Alex's hand, which was understandable but—"This is what you get for being a pervert." Julius scowled as nurses helped Alex into a room and the doctor dragged a weeping Ace with him.

"Come along now, sonny.~ You get to see the beauty of childbirth, what a lucky father."

"Noooo!~ I wanna keep my hand! I use it for stuff! Like eating and writing and fighting! I don't wanna!~~"

**~.X.~**

"I need..hhft…drugs…hnnn! GIVE ME SOME DRUGS!"

"Sorry sweetie it's too late for that!" The doctor cheerfully hummed as he snapped on a pair of gloves.

"A-A-A-Ace….I just want you to know….I h-h-hate you…I hate you so much…"

Alex cried as Ace just grinned away as his hand was being crushed in his wife's death grip. It was probably broken in two—

**CRUNCH!**

Three places now.

"S-S-Should I go then? Hah—"

"No! DON'T GO!"

Alex clung onto Ace as sweat dripped down her forehead. She never experienced such pain before and she vowed this would be the LAST time she fell for Ace's tricks. In fact she may swear off men all together and become a nun…yeah that was totally possible. She just needed a black dress and—

"It's time…Now missy I'm going need you to push!"

"I-I-I can't! I don't want too! I can't do it!" Alex's lips trembled as multiple sobs racked her body. The pain was overwhelming and pretty much felt like she was being ripped in half.

"Yes you can! You have too…I told our child that your tough….don't make me a liar…I'm already an idiot…don't make me a liar too." Ace suddenly spoke up as he nuzzled against her cheek and gently (even though it hurt like hell) squeezed her hand in encouragement.

"O-O-Okay…"

"Push!"

"Arghh!"

"Again!"

"Ahhhh!

"One more tim—"

Suddenly the doctor was cut off by a new cry, one that didn't come from the now tired mother but instead was the cry of new life, from a tiny little being who just arrived in this world. Carefully wrapping up the newborn and handing him to a nurse, Ace and Alex watched happily as the faceless woman placed the little bundle on Alex's chest.

"Congratulations…it's a boy…"

"A boy….it's a boy…such a beautifu—"

**BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEPPPPP**

The heart monitor suddenly dropped as the nurse gasped and quickly signal the doctor who rushed back to his chair underneath the small curtain covering Alex's legs, before coming back up with bloody hands.

"She's bleeding out! Nurse! Quick everyone out!" The old man barked as Ace stiffened unsure what was going on with the nurses rushing in and out. But then again maybe he did know, deep in his clock he knew what was happening.

"Sir! You need to leave! Sir!"

The faceless voice echoed around him as he felt hands push him towards the door. Everything was numb, he couldn't believe what was happening, one moment he was the happiest father in the world and the next—

"Alex!" Ace screamed as he broke free from the nurse's grasp and looked back at his fading wife, who's once bright eyes now were teeter-tottering from life to the dull shine of death. "Don't make me a liar! Don't make me a liar! ALEX! DON'T MAKE ME A LIAR!"

**~.X.~**

**Ace's P.O.V.**

"Ace…calm down….pacing aroun—"

"Shut up."

I stopped as I bang my fist against the wall. "Just shut up." I harshly hissed as I glared at Julius, whose cobalt eyes were filled with concern. But for once in my life I didn't listen to my closest friend, I couldn't listen to him—especially since the person I loved was somewhere away from me…dying and I couldn't do anything about it.

"She'll be fin—"

"You don't know that!"

I growled as I felt my hands clench into fist, even though my right was in a cast since Alex had broken it. _"Though I deserve it….this is all my fault. It's all my fault. All my FAULT." _ The words ran over in my mind again and again as I started to pace around the waiting room. I would do anything to trade places with her, ANYTHING! If she died… "No. She can't die…I won't allow it…she can't die. Not without my permission…she can't die." I madly chanted as I could feel Julius's stare dig into the back of my skull.

"Excuse me….Sir Ace?" A voice interrupted my thoughts as I quickly spun around to see a faceless holding a chart in her hands.

"Yes?"

"Um…well it's just that…we cleaned your son up and gave him the shots he needed so if you want you can see him in the nursery. He really is the cutest ba—"

"No. I don't want to see him."

I emptily smiled as my words came out icy cold. I didn't want to see "it", IT was the reason why Alex is far away from me. IT is the reason why she's dying. IT caused her pain and I refuse to see such a—

"Ace, go…if Alex could see you right now. What would she say? How would she feel if she knew you didn't want to see the baby she carried for nine months, the baby you both anxiously awaited?" Julius spoke up as some of my anger went down. If Alex knew….she would probably cry. She was a crybaby after all, and emotional…. "Fine." I muttered as I followed the nurse into a different room.

"He's right here sir…."The faceless pointed towards a baby blue blanket that was neatly placed in a small crib. "I'll leave you two alone…" She finished as she walked out of the room.

"Heh, you think that's the best idea?" I mumbled as I curiously walked over to the thing. It was small, awfully small and was wrapped up in so many blankets I couldn't see it's face. "Do you even have one?" I said out loud as I used my good arm to scoop the bundle up and carefully pull aside the swaddle.

….

…...

…...

"You look like a potato." I frowned as I looked at the pink, chubby fleshed baby that surprising had thick brown hair that wildly curled in every direction, just like mine. "A potato with nice hair." I continued as I noticed he had eyes, and softly yanked on a stray curl, causing him to let out a pained yelp and open his once closed eyes. "Grey….hmph…those books did say you won't get your eye color until later….I wonder whose eyes you'll have?" I pondered out loud as I raised his tiny chest towards my ear. Maybe….I'll change my mind about him if he has a hea—

**Tick-tock, tick-tock.**

"….You disgust me…" I smiled as I placed it back into its crib and headed towards the door—that is until it swung open.

"Sir Ace!"

"Yes?"

"Alex! She's –"

**~.X.~**

"Ace get off me you pervert!" Alex frowned as she twisted her body away from me, holding onto the bundle in her arms. "But wifey! You never pay attention to meeee.~" I whined as Alex huffed before gazing back down at the swaddle in her arms. "Well it's not my fault you're not cute."

Ouch.

"Your so mean…you know when he grows up he'll see how mean you are and run away."

I said as Alex continued to ignore me. I was happy that they managed to save her but now, the baby took away all her attention. That little brat is taking my wife away from me—again.

"No he won't because he loves me. Don't you.~ You wuv your mommy!" Alex cooed as she ran her fingers underneath his chubby chin, causing the baby to erupt in giggles. Hmph! It would be nice if he cried for once, then maybe Alex won't want him anymore.

"Ace do you want to hold him? You haven't yet, have you?" Alex smiled innocently towards me. Damn it, I know where this is heading and I don't like it.

"Yeah I have…he's heavy… a heavy potato."

"Don't call him that! He's not a potato! And he isn't heavy at all…besides you should hold him. " Alex scolded me as I pouted. She didn't like my nickname for the little twerp, but it was the truth he did look like a potato. "…Fine…I'll hold him…" I sighed in defeat as Alex handed him over. I was still pissed at it for almost killing my wife and I will continue to hat—

"He's….smiling at me…." I gaped at the tiny infant that had a bright smile plastered across his lips as he suddenly latched on to my finger.

"Of course…he loves you too Ace, even if you are an idiot." Alex teased as I gave her a slight nod, too busy studying my son who continued to smile and even giggle at me. Even though I told him he was disgusting…he still loved me? But he had a clock for a heart, so he didn't have too but… "He loves me?"

"Like I said before, yes he does…now hand him back to me. I want to hold my cute son more.~"

"I don't want to…Julius is my baby."

"Julius?"

"Yes…that will be his name…he'll be my Julie-chan number two."

"Uh…not that I mind naming our baby after Julius but won't it be kind of confusing? I mean how will they know who we are calling when he's older?" Alex said as I rocked Julius in my arms. He was so cute, just smiling and grinning away. Just like his daddy. Yep, he's gunna get laid no problem at all when he's older. Though she did have a point, I don't want Julie-chan to think I'm scolding him for leaving cheerios all over the floor when it was actually little Julius.

"Okay then….Julian. It's close to Julius and it sounds sexy too." I proudly smiled as my son giggled. "See he likes it!"

"Julian is a nice name….okay then his name shall be Julian and he will be my Julian. Now give me my son.~" Wifey reached towards me as I childishly pulled away. I didn't want to hand him over yet, he likes me.

"No."

"No?"

"No. I want to hold him longer."

"Ace…."

"He loves me."

"He loves me too!"

"But not as much as me."

"ACE! Give me my baby!"

"Never~"

**~.X.~**

**To the seed of my loins: **

**When you came into this world, I'm not going to lie...I was scared and thought you were a smug little ba*****. You almost took your mother away from me not only once but twice and I thought I could never forgive you for that. But when I held you in my arms and despite that you looked like a potato (which your mother will deny) I learned I couldn't hate you—ever. Though there will be times that it will seem like it (probably because your mother told me you couldn't stay up late) but just know that I love you, more than you'll ever realize until you have a blessing of your own. Which by the way don't get a girl pregnant too soon, I know you'll be exceedingly handsome like me but your mother is a very scary woman and will beat you to the POINT of death. Trust me, I know. **

**Love your father, **

_**Ace**_

**~.X.~**

* * *

**Lol seed of my loins...so sorry if Ace acted a bit weird...but then again it is Ace...and i thought i would do something different so i gave the baby a clock instead of a heart since i know alot of stories i've read with babies in them, they always have hearts. So just thought to change it up a bit, though there is nothing wrong with heart babies! Babies are babies and they are cute! Anyways thanks for all the love and i would be very grateful if people gave me any ideas to what they would like to see the new parents do with their little bundle of joy. **


	9. No Sleep or Loving for You

To simply put it…the first few months were hell.

"**WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"**

"Ugh…Ace it's your turn." Alex grumbled as she rolled over to the side, quickly stealing the blankets from her spouse.

"No….I'm pretty sure it's yours." The father sleepily muttered as he huddled in a small ball.

"**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" **

"Ace…just go…I'm too tired."

"He's your son."

"He's your son too."

"I don't want too." Ace mumbled before earning a hard kick to the butt, which sent him sprawling across the floor. "Ack! What was that—"

"If you didn't want to be waking up at three in the morning then you should have kept it in your pants!"

"You weren't complain—AUGH!"

The role holder was struck in the face with a heavy book before his wife sent him one final glare, basically saying GTFO or face my wrath. So the knight did what any sensible married man did—he got the hell out of there before Alex could find something heavier. "Wifey is so scary when she wakes up…not cute at all." Ace childishly huffed as he walked into the nursery conjoined to their room. Alex and the baby still lived at the tower, despite the pleas from the Queen of Hearts to have them come and stay with her. Which Ace didn't mind, sure it was a long walk from here to there but he had always been a nomad so it was no problem.

"**WAAAAAAAAHH!WAHHHHH!"**

The little bundle continued to bawl, even though Julian was itty bitty he had the lungs of a man, which Ace didn't know whether to be proud of or not.

"Hush hush…I'm here already." Ace staggered towards the crib and lifted the infant up who immediately quieted down and stared at the man in front of him. "Geez, all you wanted was to be carried? What a spoiled potato…" Ace teased as Julian shot him a frown, almost as if he understood what the knave was saying. "Now go back to sleep…so I can go back to my comfy bed, with warm sheets and a mattress that is as soft as a cloud.~" The father cooed as he began to rock his son, which worked for a while until—

"**WAAAAAAHHHHH!" **Julian cried out again, instantly waking the dozing off parent.

"Uwah! I'm up! I'm up!" Ace stiffened as he looked down at his crying son, who had his tiny hands curled into fist and his pink lips parted letting that horrible loud cry resonate in the air. "What's wrong? I'm holding you…so why are you still crying? Are you hungry?" The knight looked around searching for a bottle, since he'll probably lose his head if he went to wake up Alex to breastfeed their child. And by the way the whole thing kind of freaked the well-known pervert out for some reason. Anyways minutes passed and Julian was not appeased so he started to scream louder, until finally his dim-witted father figured it out.

"Let's see…you're not hungry or lonely…so then the only option left is…" Ace slowly lifted Julian in the air before taking a whiff. "Argh! GREAT DEALER! HOW COULD SOMETHING SO SMALL PRODUCE SUCH A FOUL SMELL!?" Ace gagged before setting Julian down on the diaper changer. "Ugh….it smells terrible…" Ace scrunched his nose in disgust as he began to change his son's full pamper.

"There all don—"

**Psssssssssssttttt!**

Ace stood frozen in his spot, a goofy smile planted on his lips as the golden stream finally ended and the horrible liquid dripped down his face. Julian on the other had was all smiles as the knight continued to remain still before sadly chuckling—

"Hahahaha….it got in my mouth….."

He was really rethinking this whole father business.

**~.X.~**

"Uh….Ace…what are you staring at?" Julius looked at his friend who was watching both Alex and Julian from a distance as the mother and child had a wonderful time as the father—well was being a creeper.

"He's a genius Julius…." Ace muttered as the clock maker had no clue to what the knave was talking about. "Uh…whose a genius?" Julius asked, though he had a feeling he would regret ever asking.

"Julian."

Yep, the mortician was regretting it already.

"Julian? Your son….the infant…..who still hasn't learned to speak much less crawl yet."

"Yes, Julius! Julian is an evil genius.." Ace suddenly jolted as he watched his son turn in his direction, his still grey-colored eyes (since his eye color still hadn't came in yet) glinting with malicious intent. "A sneaky little genius." Ace mumbled as he watched enviously as Alex raised their son into the air and planted a small kiss on his forehead. How long had it been since he was able to kiss Alex?

Too damn long.

"Don't you think you're over reacting?" Julius sighed as he massaged his temples, knowing that the knight was just being jealous that Alex was spending more time with Julian than with Ace.

"No! You don't understand Julie-chan…..Julian won't let me near her when he's awake. It's like he knows or something." Ace seriously said as he narrowed his burgundy eyes towards his son who was smiling and cooing away with his wife.

"Don't be ridiculous—"

"I'm being ridiculous? Ha! Your hair cut is ridicul—"

**SMACK!**

Ace clutched his head in pain as Julius withdrew his wrench from the knight's skull. He really didn't know how much longer he could handle both Alex's and the knave's crazy antics. Hopefully their child wouldn't be so—well troublesome.

He really did hope and prayed to the Dealer that he would show him some mercy and make the child normal….if the kid turned out to have Ace's bad sense of direction and Alex's tendency to get into trouble every five minutes…

"_Oh Great Dealer…take me now if that child takes after them!" _ Julius sullenly thought as Ace noticed that his son was distracted by a butterfly and decided to swoop in.

"Wifey!~ Give me a kiss too!" Ace lunged towards a slightly surprised Foreigner and right before he could plant his lips on top of his beautiful wife's, one of Julian's curls stood on edge alerting him of the incoming danger.

"**WAAAAAAHHHHHH!"**

The infant screamed causing Alex to sharply turn around and tend to her crying child—leaving Ace to hang out high and dry.

"Oh? What's wrong Julian? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Oh! Maybe you want cake? " Alex questioned the chubby infant in her arms as Julian sweetly smiled at the last response of his mother's question. "Cake it is then! Come along Julian~ Lets go inside and have some cheesecake, maybe strawberry short cake too…and German chocolate!" Alex's eyes sparkled as she practically skipped back inside the ivory tower. And just as the door shut close behind them, Julian shot his father a mischievous smirk.

"Julius! HE KNOWS! HE KNOOOOOWWWSSS!" Ace dramatically shouted to the heavens as he collapsed to the floor.

"I really need to stop attracting weirdos."

The mortician heavily sighed as he walked away, now knowing it would be a Dealer miracle if that kid turned out normal.

**~.X.~**

Rule number eight in Ace's Survival Guide: **Say good-bye to sleep and your love life. Yeah…thanks a lot you evil potato. I'll remember this when your older and you're sleeping so peacefully in your bed, all nice and snug and BAM! You won't know what hit ya. Also prepared to have no privacy whatsoever when you bring a girl home—Ha! Forget about even looking in her direction…because guess what my name is Ace, you killed my love life, so prepare to die! **

**~.X.~**

* * *

**So…. as you can see Julian isn't a normal baby...which of course he wouldn't be since he has a clock for a heart, this is Wonderland and IMPORTANTLY his parent's are Alex and Ace...anyways since I had a lot of people asking…I guess I'll continue this….sorry for the short chapter and thanks for all the reviews! They really help motivate me! And I appreciate all the advice and comments and it's awesome that you guys find my work funny…because truth be told I don't think I'm funny at all lol. Anyways peeps! Until next time! Keep it funky fresh…..lol ew…funky fresh what the hell am I thinking? Ugh…this is what life does to you….where are those lemons when I need them?! And now I'm just ranting so I'll stop now. **


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